I've been having one of those moments where one steps back and goes "okay, God, I get it. You've sent me a billion signs by now. Pfft!" Yes, that was the point where I'd stick my tongue out at him!

So, this past Monday I had a meeting with my boss at maurices. She had heard it through the grapevine that I was considering leaving the company and was highly concerned to this end. (I had, coincidentally, deterred from this at the time and was a bit upset at my co-worker's decision to betray my confidence in her.) We discussed things a bit (I'm not going to bore with the details as it was a LONG conversation. Fantastic--but long.) and she ended up saying this:

"Whitney, I think you're good at a lot of things. I've told you this before and I'll continue telling you this: you're an asset to the company. You are going to do great things for maurices as long as you'll let us use you. That said, even though you're doing 100 different things that you're absolutely fantastic at, what happens is you find that ONE thing you're not good at and obsess on it. I think that's our problem here..."

The one good thing I'm not good at in reference to maurices is selling the card. It's a definite weakness and drives me absolutely bonkers. I seriously stay up some nights just because I can't sleep just thinking about it. I don't know what about it is that bothers me. I don't have a problem selling clothes by any means. My average customer usually buys more than three items and spends about $60 per visit (according to my stats for the past six months...). I think what it is that hinders me is that when I'm working with a customer and picking out an outfit, I'm actually helping them. We don't get commission, so it's my helping them feel and look good that's my goal. But when it comes to the card? Subconsciously, I start listing out all the problems with credit cards in the back of my head. And then it feels like a negative thing and I HATE being a negative influence on people's lives.

So, with those doubts, I just simply don't do it. Which is an incredibly negative thing, because maurices puts a lot of pressure on their stores to do well in producing credit card applications. And it's because I suck at selling the card that my working experience is totally miserable. So, Bobby took me through this whole exercise of listing everything I do for the company... like my fantastic stats, advertising, connection with college students (I'm the freakin' youngest on the team. Why oh why can't I EVER be the oldest at anything?!)... and it actually came out way more positive than not.

Then I applied that mindset to the rest of my life. Sometimes, I feel terrible about myself because I feel like I'm totally worthless. But maybe it's my focusing on one thing that makes everything so negative. People can't be good at everything, right? It'd be totally boring!

I don't think I was always this way... I have some very fond memories of back in high school when my younger sister started above me. I was a JV starter, but Kelsey had the varsity jersey. It was definitely a rough time for me, but I came to better understand my role in life and certain things like sportmanship, leadership, and character. I got more compliments during that time on who I was as a person than any other time in my life. And here I was a totally volleyball loser!

And then there was senior year when I was doing pretty fantastically at track. But midway through the season, my track coach changed things up on me and I ended up quitting because I thought it was unethical. I couldn't participate on the team when I felt in my heart the way she did things was wrong. So, there I was, giving up my one chance to finally impress my father in sports (something that he's ALWAYS placed a lot of emphasis on).

Somewhere along the lines I accidentally allowed myself to become a perfectionist. I don't think I did it on purpose... I think it may just be that I finally got used to being good at things and it felt really good to have that affirmed. Especially after a time when I didn't think my Dad loved me quite as much as my siblings because of the whole sports issue. The direct result of the sports complex was the 31 on my ACT. I felt like I had to do something to win his love.

Maybe now that I'm aware of it, I'll allow myself to let it go easier. It's not going to stop me from trying to improve on it, but it may provide me with enough confidence to include the positive in my line of thinking.

"Hi, I'm Whitney, and I absolutely suck at ." Not so bad, eh?

Gotta jetset back into the real world now! Peace Out.

I have some wonderful friends. Friends who are incredible and brilliant and supportive and quite frankly just great. That's a realization that hit me sometime today when I was bouncing amongst all of them. If I have nothing else in my life but these people, I will be eternally satisfied. I just hope they know how much I appreciate each and every one of them!

Speaking of friends, it was the first night of Ignite tonight. I've been excited about this since the end of the school year. And it definitely lived up to its expectations. I got to see a ton of old friends, completely made at least four new ones, got pumped for the school year, dished out some advice, AND had a great time all in one night.

Bear with me... because it's been a long night of realizations.

First, I was thinking why I loved Ignite so much. It was more Tim's asking "how was it" and then my sitting alone on my porch that prompted the internal discussion, but I'm grateful that I thought it through anyway! Why do I love Ignite so much? It's because it's the first community that's allowed me to grow into whatever I want to without suppression, guilt, discrimination, or hate. I think God was trying to point that out to me hardcore tonight. I had two discussions with people that were rather in depth on the church while I was at the schpeal tonight. One was about how a person had never been to church before and someone wanted my advice on how we could get her more involved in that community. So, this got me thinking. MY experience with church has been a bit unique for the past seven years. My faith sprung from the church. Without catechism classes and my Grandmother's obsession with my becoming a member, I would probably not (then again, I can't claim to know) have converted to Christianity. I was so heavily compelled by my parent's beliefs that I probably would have lead the rest of my life quite content in atheism. But the church changed that. It influenced my thoughts, my dreams. It gave me a community and helped me begin the incredible journey I'm on now. But at the same time, my former church was like venom to my soul. When I was doing a counseling session with one of my friends over lunch today, I came up with this incredible analogy on how a person in their life was like a poison that had been affecting them for a long time and it was only now that they were recognizing the symptoms. While I love the people at my old church, their thoughts and their beliefs were suppressing my own. I felt unholy and dirty for wanting to pursue ministry as my career. I believed strongly that my role was to be completely submissive to my husband and that there were just some things about God I wasn't intended to know. I've been dealing with the symptoms of that for the past year. And now I feel like I've taken a vaccine!

And that vaccine I think is Ignite. People in Ignite never have told me that I was sinful for wanting to pursue ministry. They've never defined for me exactly what a Christian is supposed to be and demanded that I pursue that endgoal. (C.L. was like Leviticus, except modernized. Not so fantastic.) I think that's what I'm so drawn to. Ignite is the first community I've EVER belonged to that's provided me with the encouragement I've needed to grow into whom I'm becoming. It's the first community I can feel loved in without having to worry that somehow God messed up when he made me. If I look at my life since I started going to this group in February, I can see the radical changes that have been made. I can nearly track the development that's taken place. While there are other factors that need to be taken into account as well, I'm convinced that God put this group of people into my life for a reason. He knew that I was going to go through some dark times and he gave me a community to go back to when I needed it. I'm on the path I'm on now because of this group. And that's why I love Ignite. It's profoundly affected my life in ways that no other people have. This group has allowed me to grow more spiritually in the eightish months I've been a part of it than any other person in the eight YEARS of my Christian experience. And that I will always be eternally grateful for.

After listening to tonight's lesson--so Lutheran of me... but that's how I think of it--by Tim, I've walked away with a new appreciation for the whole process to mold me into who I am in this very instant. I've written in this blog about a lot of the darker things in my life that has happened to me. The last entry talked about the epiphany I had that allowed me to decide to become a pastor (that moment still makes things stand still for me. Wow.). Rehashing through all of these thoughts, I'm starting to come to realize that who I am is a person that was put on this Earth to be in service of others. God put me here and gave me the most simple (theoretically) mission of them all: to love and to love blindly and wholeheartedly. I used to think a flaw in myself was that I gave my heart away too freely to people. I've tried to contain it, but it's absolutely never worked. I thought it was a weakness that I had this so-called 'caretaker complex' and that people used it to their advantage. And they still may. But now? I'm grateful for the ability I've been handed TO LOVE! Yes, some people thinks it's ridiculous that there are those in my life who constantly hurt me and I constantly forgive them. And sometimes when I start to think about things, I get frustrated by the feeling that I have to take care of myself and that no one else is going to do it. But, rather than focusing on the potential to be consumed by loneliness from this calling, I'd rather concentrate on the positive. And the positive thing is? I can love anyone and make them feel that love. I feel this insane urge to take care of people all of the time and I'm beginning to realize God put that in my life early on so I could better understand my call now. It took me FOREVER to accept my call to ministry because I thought it had to be about me. That my relationship with God was the debit and ministry was the credit. Now? Now I realize that in order for me to fulfill my life, to feel complete, I HAVE to make my life about other people. When I think about this church that I want to lead, it scares me almost in the simplicity of it. "Love one another as I have loved you..." That was my favorite verse and greatest command for a long time, but I don't think I understood it fully until now.

My calling, my life, who I am revolves directly around others. It's about my pursuit to share the love that emanates from my soul because of God with other people. Maybe ultimately it's simply a newer model of Paul's pursuit of God and what he really is. Or maybe it's something radically different. All I know is that my life is revolving around God more now than it ever has been. Crazy, huh?

I half expected it to be complete with fireworks and a parade, but the way it happened was simplistic enough that I was captured by the beauty of it. It was something I had been wanting and desiring with all of my heart for TOO long of a time. Now that it's here, I'm more fascinated by my path than my shock of my realization.

I don't recall there being anything extraordinary about the day. I ran some errands, became sad that there wasn't a present waiting for me at the Post Office (darn Eastbay and their dirty tricks!), and went to have a little fun at the PHIVE-O training. My time there was pretty typical. I threw zingers at the newbies and they stared at me in shock. Good times. But then came the psycho-social exercise we do to alleviate frustrations with our roles. As a peer educator, as an HIV instructor, we are not allowed to put personal opinion into anything we say or do. We are human, however, and do have said thoughts and feelings. In order to make things a bit more bearable, we do an exercise where an assortment of words are on the ground. We are instructed to pick one word and describe what it means to us.

Even only a few days after, I can't recall what my first word was. I do remember speaking about moving to a more individualized state. Maybe it was faith, maybe family, I have no idea. But that's not really what matters in this conversation. The true marker of the day was the second word. "Community." I knew I was going to speak on it the second time around. I figured that I would just say something to the effect of "I love the early church community. Go fight win." That's not what happened. We were further instructed to somehow tie-in the word we had selected back to our HIV/AIDS experience.

Down came the proverbial lightning bolt. I don't think I was fully realizing what I was saying until I was finished. When it had come to be my turn, it was like a confession came out from deep inside me. "I want to be a pastor." I announced. I didn't have a chance to be shocked, because I kept right on going. I can't decide if it was God prompting me to figure things out or if it was my habit to continue talking while I thought about things. Either way, I kept right on going. "I want to form a church focusing on community. I want the church I lead to be a place of love and warmth for every person. I don't care if a person is positive or negative, homosexual or heterosexual, black or white, they are going to be welcome in my church. Everyone deserves to feel God's love, to be consumed by it, and that's my mission. The church I work in (or create)... I want us to have AIDS outreach programs. To focus on the poor. To have dinners that the entire community attends."

Man oh man. And just like that I began my new path. It's incredibly insane and extremely exciting to be walking down a road that I had imagined would be a peaceful one. And now that I'm on it? It's like I have no regrets at all! Like I was made for this... that it just took me a long time to figure out. The ultimate epiphany was that my becoming a pastor wasn't for me. Sure, my relationship with God is going to change a lot, but I'm not going to depend on that title for a relationship with him. My becoming a pastor involves other people and their paths. God wants to use me as a tool. What an awesome feeling!

It's nuts how fast life flies by sometimes, eh? I had my first vacation all summer this past weekend for PHIVE-O retreat and I feel... completely refreshed and relieved. I think all of the pressures of life had been building up on me from the summer and I just needed a couple days to let go and not do anything. Today is the third day I've had off and I can't describe the euphoria I've got going right now. Man am I grateful for this peace! Go God!

I started filling out my schedule the other night for the first couple months in order to better plan when I can do Living and Learning classes, etc. Turns out, I'm not going to have much of a personal life. Not that I mind, because I'm going to have some fantastic opportunities to work with people in the coming months, but there is the worry in the back of my mind that I could burn out. I've had a couple of people (including my parents) who voice their concerns that I'm taking on too much. Could be interesting to see how I do!

This semester, I've got all business classes. And it shows with how much my freaking books cost. $671! Who does that?! It's not fair! I tried the whole protesting approach, but they laughed at me, so meh. Cost Accounting, Principles of Market, Auditing Principles, Advanced Public Address, and Business Law are going to be what keeps my scholarly mind alive this semester. Hip hip!

Between PHIVE-O, Ignite, working with the Homeless and Hunger committee, SSS, and other stuff... Nah. I'm not going to lie. No matter how much stress I'm going to encounter in my life (potentially) this is going to be an amazing chance to help people. And who would pass up the opportunity to pursue your passion?

Kelsey started college today. My parent are kinda freaking out, but managing the best they know how. I'm sure it's daunting to them to have two children out of the house. They continually call me to see if I've talked to Kelsey, which is actually rather hysterical. My Dad called me this morning to see if I was going to Kearney this evening and ended "okay, bye." Funny man.

I'm frustrated with this whole Matt thing I've got going. First, he burned the bridge by trying to pressure me to have sex when I clearly told him that I was waiting. So, after I got over being mad (it takes like three seconds) and forgave him, I decided that I was going to give him a second chance. So, I went and had a two and a half hour conversation with him regarding life, my beliefs, etc. And then last night he goes and lies to me! He said that he had to work when the place he works at isn't even open! GRRRR! That'll make a person angry. And it did for me. I had a good angry vibe going for two whole hours last night. It disappeared somewhere between texting random people and eating cheesecake, however. Now I'm just disappointed in him. At least I don't have to wonder if I'm doing the right thing anymore. No sense in my getting involved in something that's going to only tear me down further in the end. For awhile I convinced myself that my duty as a Christian was to pursue relationships with people that didn't have a relationship with God. But, I don't know if I could marry someone that didn't believe in God. I thought I could for awhile... and now I'm just all sorts of mixed up.

Ugh. I'm out.

Dear Future,

What do you hold? Is it full of sparkles and wonder or of boredom and dimness? Will you taunt me with your unbearable excitement or will lack of interest depress my soul?

To my future husband: It's been a long time coming. There have been a lot of ups and downs in order to prepare me for the time when I could marry you. God has tested me in every way imaginable and I went through it because I knew in the end it would shape the person I was meant to be. I knew that all of the waiting... the resisting temptation... the guarding of my heart would be worth it in the end. I had been waiting my entire life for you.

To my children: Whoever you are, whoever you will become, I couldn't love you more. Your souls are part of my own, forever intertwined in a beautiful cosmic mess. I've loved you since before I knew you and will continue loving you past the day I'm called to another existence.

To my family: I love you. I can't think of a better way to say it. No matter how frustrated I have become in the past, no matter how much I wished we were all different, you all make me who I am. You five are my heart, my soul. We've been through a lot together. I just want you to know that I don't regret a moment of it. To my Grandparents, Cousins, Aunts, Uncles: you provided a home for us when we lived incredibly far away. You were my friends, my family, the definition of what coming home meant to me. I love you with all of my heart.

To my friends: What can I say? We've had some incredible times. Some of you know me better than others; some of you would rather you didn't know me at all. And that's okay. I've long given up striving to be perfect. I want you all to know that all of the talks, all of my advice I give out, all of our late nights, all of our fun moments, they've meant so much to me. You people are what's helped me grow up into who I am. You've helped mold me. Yes, I may be quirky, but I would NEVER have been able to develop into who I am without you crazy people at my side. Thank you.

To God: I didn't understand how powerful it was to become part of your kingdom when I first did it. I knew my life had changed profoundly, but I didn't quite grasp what it all meant. Almost eight years later, I realize that my life before you was nothing. These past years have taught me that loving you is the most rewarding relationship of all. Your patience and kindness has helped prepare me for a life of servitude I would be desolate without. Your stern word and finalism let me know that I'm not the authority on all things. You are always there, governing my life and my soul, and I feel comforted in even my most despairing of times. When I promised myself I would pursue a relationship with you, I even doubted my ability to do so. But with every decision I made, whether it be right or wrong, I began to realize that a relationship with you meant fulfillment of my soul. I've come to understand that I can be satisfied with only you and that the extras in my life are a blessing. Whether it be my family, friends, a husband, children, a job... they're all extras in life. Added bonuses on top of the biggest part of all: you. I don't think I grasped what it meant to be blessed before this. You bless me by filling my life with such special people that I'm undeserving of. I finally see that understanding your love begins by your allowing me to express that love onto other people. Thank you for allowing me to learn, to live, to breathe, to explore each day with a childlike mind and a good sense of humor. I feel special to be given the opportunity to make people laugh and to counsel them when they think there's nothing further to push them forward. Thank you, Lord. Thank you.

This letter, a letter to my future life as well as the present, is written out of the hopes that I see and understand better what truly matter in my life. Sometimes, when inspiration strikes, we must see it for what it is. God speaks through us in so many beautiful ways. Whatever happens to me... whether I become a pastor or go into the military... whether I become married and have children or remain single the rest of my life... whether I die at 98 or 22... I realize now that my life is defined by who I am today and who I continue striving to be tomorrow. No, I'm not perfect, but God made me who I am for a reason. It's about time I start appreciating that.