I have some wonderful friends. Friends who are incredible and brilliant and supportive and quite frankly just great. That's a realization that hit me sometime today when I was bouncing amongst all of them. If I have nothing else in my life but these people, I will be eternally satisfied. I just hope they know how much I appreciate each and every one of them!
Speaking of friends, it was the first night of Ignite tonight. I've been excited about this since the end of the school year. And it definitely lived up to its expectations. I got to see a ton of old friends, completely made at least four new ones, got pumped for the school year, dished out some advice, AND had a great time all in one night.
Bear with me... because it's been a long night of realizations.
First, I was thinking why I loved Ignite so much. It was more Tim's asking "how was it" and then my sitting alone on my porch that prompted the internal discussion, but I'm grateful that I thought it through anyway! Why do I love Ignite so much? It's because it's the first community that's allowed me to grow into whatever I want to without suppression, guilt, discrimination, or hate. I think God was trying to point that out to me hardcore tonight. I had two discussions with people that were rather in depth on the church while I was at the schpeal tonight. One was about how a person had never been to church before and someone wanted my advice on how we could get her more involved in that community. So, this got me thinking. MY experience with church has been a bit unique for the past seven years. My faith sprung from the church. Without catechism classes and my Grandmother's obsession with my becoming a member, I would probably not (then again, I can't claim to know) have converted to Christianity. I was so heavily compelled by my parent's beliefs that I probably would have lead the rest of my life quite content in atheism. But the church changed that. It influenced my thoughts, my dreams. It gave me a community and helped me begin the incredible journey I'm on now. But at the same time, my former church was like venom to my soul. When I was doing a counseling session with one of my friends over lunch today, I came up with this incredible analogy on how a person in their life was like a poison that had been affecting them for a long time and it was only now that they were recognizing the symptoms. While I love the people at my old church, their thoughts and their beliefs were suppressing my own. I felt unholy and dirty for wanting to pursue ministry as my career. I believed strongly that my role was to be completely submissive to my husband and that there were just some things about God I wasn't intended to know. I've been dealing with the symptoms of that for the past year. And now I feel like I've taken a vaccine!
And that vaccine I think is Ignite. People in Ignite never have told me that I was sinful for wanting to pursue ministry. They've never defined for me exactly what a Christian is supposed to be and demanded that I pursue that endgoal. (C.L. was like Leviticus, except modernized. Not so fantastic.) I think that's what I'm so drawn to. Ignite is the first community I've EVER belonged to that's provided me with the encouragement I've needed to grow into whom I'm becoming. It's the first community I can feel loved in without having to worry that somehow God messed up when he made me. If I look at my life since I started going to this group in February, I can see the radical changes that have been made. I can nearly track the development that's taken place. While there are other factors that need to be taken into account as well, I'm convinced that God put this group of people into my life for a reason. He knew that I was going to go through some dark times and he gave me a community to go back to when I needed it. I'm on the path I'm on now because of this group. And that's why I love Ignite. It's profoundly affected my life in ways that no other people have. This group has allowed me to grow more spiritually in the eightish months I've been a part of it than any other person in the eight YEARS of my Christian experience. And that I will always be eternally grateful for.
After listening to tonight's lesson--so Lutheran of me... but that's how I think of it--by Tim, I've walked away with a new appreciation for the whole process to mold me into who I am in this very instant. I've written in this blog about a lot of the darker things in my life that has happened to me. The last entry talked about the epiphany I had that allowed me to decide to become a pastor (that moment still makes things stand still for me. Wow.). Rehashing through all of these thoughts, I'm starting to come to realize that who I am is a person that was put on this Earth to be in service of others. God put me here and gave me the most simple (theoretically) mission of them all: to love and to love blindly and wholeheartedly. I used to think a flaw in myself was that I gave my heart away too freely to people. I've tried to contain it, but it's absolutely never worked. I thought it was a weakness that I had this so-called 'caretaker complex' and that people used it to their advantage. And they still may. But now? I'm grateful for the ability I've been handed TO LOVE! Yes, some people thinks it's ridiculous that there are those in my life who constantly hurt me and I constantly forgive them. And sometimes when I start to think about things, I get frustrated by the feeling that I have to take care of myself and that no one else is going to do it. But, rather than focusing on the potential to be consumed by loneliness from this calling, I'd rather concentrate on the positive. And the positive thing is? I can love anyone and make them feel that love. I feel this insane urge to take care of people all of the time and I'm beginning to realize God put that in my life early on so I could better understand my call now. It took me FOREVER to accept my call to ministry because I thought it had to be about me. That my relationship with God was the debit and ministry was the credit. Now? Now I realize that in order for me to fulfill my life, to feel complete, I HAVE to make my life about other people. When I think about this church that I want to lead, it scares me almost in the simplicity of it. "Love one another as I have loved you..." That was my favorite verse and greatest command for a long time, but I don't think I understood it fully until now.
My calling, my life, who I am revolves directly around others. It's about my pursuit to share the love that emanates from my soul because of God with other people. Maybe ultimately it's simply a newer model of Paul's pursuit of God and what he really is. Or maybe it's something radically different. All I know is that my life is revolving around God more now than it ever has been. Crazy, huh?
Speaking of friends, it was the first night of Ignite tonight. I've been excited about this since the end of the school year. And it definitely lived up to its expectations. I got to see a ton of old friends, completely made at least four new ones, got pumped for the school year, dished out some advice, AND had a great time all in one night.
Bear with me... because it's been a long night of realizations.
First, I was thinking why I loved Ignite so much. It was more Tim's asking "how was it" and then my sitting alone on my porch that prompted the internal discussion, but I'm grateful that I thought it through anyway! Why do I love Ignite so much? It's because it's the first community that's allowed me to grow into whatever I want to without suppression, guilt, discrimination, or hate. I think God was trying to point that out to me hardcore tonight. I had two discussions with people that were rather in depth on the church while I was at the schpeal tonight. One was about how a person had never been to church before and someone wanted my advice on how we could get her more involved in that community. So, this got me thinking. MY experience with church has been a bit unique for the past seven years. My faith sprung from the church. Without catechism classes and my Grandmother's obsession with my becoming a member, I would probably not (then again, I can't claim to know) have converted to Christianity. I was so heavily compelled by my parent's beliefs that I probably would have lead the rest of my life quite content in atheism. But the church changed that. It influenced my thoughts, my dreams. It gave me a community and helped me begin the incredible journey I'm on now. But at the same time, my former church was like venom to my soul. When I was doing a counseling session with one of my friends over lunch today, I came up with this incredible analogy on how a person in their life was like a poison that had been affecting them for a long time and it was only now that they were recognizing the symptoms. While I love the people at my old church, their thoughts and their beliefs were suppressing my own. I felt unholy and dirty for wanting to pursue ministry as my career. I believed strongly that my role was to be completely submissive to my husband and that there were just some things about God I wasn't intended to know. I've been dealing with the symptoms of that for the past year. And now I feel like I've taken a vaccine!
And that vaccine I think is Ignite. People in Ignite never have told me that I was sinful for wanting to pursue ministry. They've never defined for me exactly what a Christian is supposed to be and demanded that I pursue that endgoal. (C.L. was like Leviticus, except modernized. Not so fantastic.) I think that's what I'm so drawn to. Ignite is the first community I've EVER belonged to that's provided me with the encouragement I've needed to grow into whom I'm becoming. It's the first community I can feel loved in without having to worry that somehow God messed up when he made me. If I look at my life since I started going to this group in February, I can see the radical changes that have been made. I can nearly track the development that's taken place. While there are other factors that need to be taken into account as well, I'm convinced that God put this group of people into my life for a reason. He knew that I was going to go through some dark times and he gave me a community to go back to when I needed it. I'm on the path I'm on now because of this group. And that's why I love Ignite. It's profoundly affected my life in ways that no other people have. This group has allowed me to grow more spiritually in the eightish months I've been a part of it than any other person in the eight YEARS of my Christian experience. And that I will always be eternally grateful for.
After listening to tonight's lesson--so Lutheran of me... but that's how I think of it--by Tim, I've walked away with a new appreciation for the whole process to mold me into who I am in this very instant. I've written in this blog about a lot of the darker things in my life that has happened to me. The last entry talked about the epiphany I had that allowed me to decide to become a pastor (that moment still makes things stand still for me. Wow.). Rehashing through all of these thoughts, I'm starting to come to realize that who I am is a person that was put on this Earth to be in service of others. God put me here and gave me the most simple (theoretically) mission of them all: to love and to love blindly and wholeheartedly. I used to think a flaw in myself was that I gave my heart away too freely to people. I've tried to contain it, but it's absolutely never worked. I thought it was a weakness that I had this so-called 'caretaker complex' and that people used it to their advantage. And they still may. But now? I'm grateful for the ability I've been handed TO LOVE! Yes, some people thinks it's ridiculous that there are those in my life who constantly hurt me and I constantly forgive them. And sometimes when I start to think about things, I get frustrated by the feeling that I have to take care of myself and that no one else is going to do it. But, rather than focusing on the potential to be consumed by loneliness from this calling, I'd rather concentrate on the positive. And the positive thing is? I can love anyone and make them feel that love. I feel this insane urge to take care of people all of the time and I'm beginning to realize God put that in my life early on so I could better understand my call now. It took me FOREVER to accept my call to ministry because I thought it had to be about me. That my relationship with God was the debit and ministry was the credit. Now? Now I realize that in order for me to fulfill my life, to feel complete, I HAVE to make my life about other people. When I think about this church that I want to lead, it scares me almost in the simplicity of it. "Love one another as I have loved you..." That was my favorite verse and greatest command for a long time, but I don't think I understood it fully until now.
My calling, my life, who I am revolves directly around others. It's about my pursuit to share the love that emanates from my soul because of God with other people. Maybe ultimately it's simply a newer model of Paul's pursuit of God and what he really is. Or maybe it's something radically different. All I know is that my life is revolving around God more now than it ever has been. Crazy, huh?
posted by Whit at 10:20 PM
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