I'm listening to Evanescence and waiting for my lil' roommate to get home in order for us to dine with one another. She had a rough morning (she was convinced that she had no one close to her) so I figured that a nice dinner was exactly what we needed. My younger sis is coming over to spend the night, but she assures me Dad grilled enough food to feed a third world country earlier so she won't be eating.

I made a salad to go with our poppyseed dressing that I love so much. We have some fruity wine, which is awesome. The main dish I decided was going to be swedish meatballs, mainly because I love to squish them together. I also whipped up some green bean casserole, but stuck some oyesters in it because Lou LOVES oyesters. Never done that before... so it could be interesting. AND I bought some portabello mushrooms and stuffed them with a blend of cheeses. Combine that with my "witchy candles" and we're set!

So, while I'm waiting for my company to get her, I decided to enlighten y'all with the conversation that is ongoing in my head: prayer.

I used to think that I was made wrong when I was younger. Granted, a large part of that wonderment took place in the hostile environment that was my old church, but even after I graduated from there, I was convinced that there was something wrong with me. I've never been able to connect well in prayer. When I bow my head, I don't feel a connection... I feel nothing. Like it's actually a chore.

I do write a lot and feel some sort of a connection there. But, I'm not writing because I want God to pay particular attention to what I write. I write because I'm seeking some sort of understanding. It's never been about my asking God to do things for me (unless you count when I got MIP'd... that was definitely me going "Please don't do this to me!") or to shed his protection on others. I've always just lived with the realization that God is all around me and will pretty much do whatever she/he deems right. It's not my role to ask him/her for things. My role is to pursue who God really is and to mimic those characteristics with my life.

I don't think there's anything wrong with prayer in the context of bowing your head. If people can feel that connection with God, that's great. But at the same time, I don't think it's right to keep track of when those prayers are or are not answered. It's almost to me like the person in prayer is seeking some sort of evidence that God does exist. That's not the point of prayer. That's not the point of believing! We're to live in faith that God exists. We don't have concrete evidence because that would make our faith easy. People who are writing down when their prayers are "answered" seem to me to be the same people who seek the rocks that say "God made this."

The bible talks about being constantly in prayer. I think this means to be constantly aware that whether our heads are bowed or not: God's here. He's living, breathing, moving in our lives regardless of whether we utter words out loud to him. Rather than sitting solemnly in prayer, could we not better reflect God by going out and helping others? By going to a nursing home and spending time with the elderly? By helping serve food at the local food pantry?

What should I pray for? That HIV/AIDS is eradicated and that all of those people don't die? Why would I do that? Am I that pious to believe that I understand HIV/AIDS to be a bad thing and am demanding God to do away with it? Should I instead understand that God has a plan for everything and there's a REASON why HIV/AIDS exists? Shouldn't I, instead of praying for it to go away, become the hands of God and spread what I know about the virus to others?

Do I pray for the family that is hurting because of a death in the family or do I go and sit with them and offer them a shoulder to cry on as they mourn? Do I fall to my knees or do I assist them with chores that they don't want to do right now?

Do I pray to understand why God is doing something to me or do I continue on in my life with the knowledge that God places challenges in everyone's lives? Why pray for the pain to go away when I have the understanding that God wants me to grow from it? Isn't that counterintuitive?

Wouldn't it be better time spent to instead focus our efforts on being God's hands, feet, face, etc.? Do I spend an hour in prayer each day or do I work to improve the world in any way that I can?

I would rather focus my efforts on seeing God as he moves in my life than on praying for something to be done according to what I will. Am I not elevating myself somehow in asking for him to do something when in reality I know hardly anything at all?

I do enjoy the Lord's prayer, however peculiar that may sound. I love saying it in a setting where a group of people is saying it with you. THAT prayer holds some sort of connection to me... for some unknown reason.

Our Father, who art in heaven, hallowed be thy name. Thy kingdom come, thy will be done, on earth as it is in heaven. Give us this day our daily bread and forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us. Lead us not into temptation and deliver us from evil. For thine is the kingdom and the power and the glory... forever and ever. Amen.