Time for a new iTunes song! Isn't your library looking a little sad?

Heavily Broken (Live Version) by the Veronicas:

Everyday I sit here waiting
Everyday just seems so long
And now I've had enough of all the hating
Do we even care, it's so unfair
Any day it'll all be over
Everyday there's nothing new
And now I just try to find some hope
To try and hold onto
But it starts again
It'll never end

I'm heavily broken
And I don't know what to do
Can't you see that I'm choking
And I can't even move
When there's nothing left to say
What can you do
I'm heavily broken
And there's nothing I can do

Almost giving up on trying
Almost heading for a fall
And now my mind is screaming out
I've gotta keep on fighting
But then again
It doesn't end

I'm heavily broken
And I don't know what to do
Can't you see that I'm choking
And I can't even move
When there's nothing left to say
What can you do?
I'm heavily broken
And there's nothing I can do
And there's nothing I can do

Feels like I'm drowning
I'm screaming for air(Screaming for air)
Louder I'm crying
And you don't even care

I'm heavily broken
And I don't know what to do
Can't you see that I'm choking
And I can't even move(What can I do)
When there's nothing left to say
What can you do
I'm heavily broken

I'm heavily broken
And I don't know what to do
Can't you see that I'm choking
And I can't even move
When there's nothing left to say
What can you do
I'm heavily broken [x3]

I love this song! I'm sitting here in the library and thinking, "Amen. That's what I'm talking about!" Isn't it true that there really aren't words that come to you when you feel broken? Like you can't escape it and you're consumed by it... yet you know there's nothing you can do. Everything happens for a reason, right? So, you charge forth, charge on.

Today I had an epiphany in Contemporary Christian Theology. Dan was talking about his Trinity theory and how we have to mimic the Trinitarian relationship in order to be made whole as humans. In order to become true humans, we have to do this. Before, I had always half-envisioned what this meant for me. I had the relationship with God, had it with "creation", but totally lacked on the self aspect. My triangle wasn't a triangle at all. It was lacking. And it still is, but at least I'm being reminded of it constantly. I hope and pray through that constant reminding that I can grow from it. It's not going to be easy to become more introverted, because I'm scared to death of it. There's a lot of things I'm dealing with all at once and facing it all is huge for me. What if I'm not strong enough? What if I discover that at the end of the day... something's wrong with me?

Onto other news... I finally got my blasted sermon written. It was quite funny because I think I was so focused on trying to write the sermon for other people... trying to attack it from all different angles, that I forgot to acknowledge the gifts I had been given. God doesn't want me to exclude mySELF from the equation. Sure, give the other people food, but don't eliminate yourself from getting the food either. Don't elevate yourself into a position where you think that just because you'll be providing the food that you don't need to eat, either. And don't think that their food can't be your food. Sometimes the food tastes the best by the preparer!

My speech is on "God is Love." And I'm amazed by it. I started it off thinking that I had to write something profound on love, but I fully realized there are no new angles to take on it. There's nothing that I can say that hasn't been said a thousand times before. So, when I initially sat down to write it... it was empty and devoid of me. Then, when I did the google search on the topic, God spoke to me. And he spoke in three little letters "HIV." And just like that, it came rushing down to me. I had been struggling with the passage because I felt like I was the unspoken side of the story in 1 John 4:7-21. The entire reason John was writing the passage was because he wanted his community to know that they needed to love everyone in Jesus Christ, not based upon a confession of faith. At this time in their history, his community was struggling with the fact that a faction had just broken off from them and had taken a lot of people with them. They were dealing with feelings of hurt and anger. But, John says to love despite this. Love and love blindly. Don't hate or you shall be hating God.

I was focusing on the failure of people doing this. I was concentrating on my old environment so much that I couldn't see past it to get to the bigger picture. And then I remembered a story I had been told as a sophomore in high school and just knew... it was perfect. It was beautiful and simple and just felt... right.

Because the truth of the matter is that love isn't going to be easy, it isn't always going to be gentle or kind, and isn't going to always be beautiful as it is presented. I Corinthians 13 is beautiful, but it doesn't fully portray what love is. Paul had his optimistic idealist cap on that day. He wanted us to believe in the extreme power of community (which tells me that something INTENSE was going on in the Corinthian community at the time...). The truth is... love can hurt sometimes. And it can be filled with pain. But isn't that the point? To choose to love people despite that? Doesn't it mean more somehow that way? And to see past that fear and to select love... it's beautiful. There's a reason that situations like that bring tears to people's eyes. Not because it feels good, but because they are encountering God in that moment. And that's why I'm a Christian!

Peace Out.