I don't like school very much. And now that I'm living at home, I'm discovering that I don't like that much either. And hell, while we're at it, I don't like me very much right now.

So, here I am, stuck in this black hole of self-image sucking hysteria and I'm looking for a way to get out. Yes, I move to Guatemala in six weeks. But, even then, that's not enough. I already don't want to come BACK from Guatemala and I haven't even gone yet!

I thought the answer was going to be for me to come back from Central America, hang out with my HC friends for three weeks, then head to Tanzania for the summer. I figured by the time I got back I'd be ready to start the school year. But as things are shaping up, I don't think it's going to be enough. I need to get out of this place. I need a fresh start, a new beginning. I want a chance to start everything over again and choose how things are going to be. Make new friends, start a new life, live again.

And I don't see that happening in Nebraska. Everything is so orderly and small here. There isn't any way out that I can foresee. It's the same old stuff over and over again and I'm craving something new.

So, when my Dad shot at me the possibility of working in State Farm's claims division, I laughed at him. It was his attempt to undermine my intention to go into seminary--again. But, the more I thought about it, the more it appeals to me. The job pays $25/hour base. I don't need my Bachelor's Degree yet, so I can get it at a nearby university while working. I can move out of Nebraska and go where the job wants me to go. There's a few openings in New York and California, some in Illinois. What's important to me is that it doesn't say "Nebraska."

Yes, this means that I would be compromising my intention to go to seminary. I wouldn't graduate with a Religion degree any longer. It would mean I would be agreeing to remain in the business world. But, that's not so bad. Once I turn 23 I can go into the FBI like I originally intended...

At this point, I don't know what I want to do for sure. I know that I feel like my soul is being sucked out of me and that I don't have a lot more options. I feel like a part of me is dying slowly inside and no one seems to be noticing. I've lost a lot of things lately. I feel like I'm all alone in this and I don't want to be anymore. It's not fun to be alone. In fact, it downright sucks. But to all those people who said I couldn't do it? Screw you. I'm living life alone right now: sans friends, sans familial support... and I'm figuring out ways to get rid of all of you who make my life a living hell. For all you people who tear me down, who say I can't do things, who can't love me for who I am: Goodbye.