Walk Away


[SPOKEN:]
What do you do when you know something's bad for you and you still can't let go?

I was naïve, your love was like candy
Artificially sweet, I was deceived by the wrapping,
Got caught in your web and I learned how to bleed
I was prey in your bed and devoured completely

And it hurts my soul
'Cause I can't let go
All these walls are cavin' in
I can't stop my sufferin'
I hate to show
That I've lost control
'Cause I, I keep goin' right back
To the one thing that I need
To walk away from

I need to get away from ya,
Need to walk away from ya
Get away, walk away, walk away

I should have known that I was used for amusement
Couldn't see through the smoke, it was all an illusion
Now, I've been lickin' my wounds, but the venom seeps deeper
We both can seduce but, darlin', you hold me prisoner

Oh, I'm about to break
I can't stop this ache
I'm addicted to your allure
And I'm fiendin' for a cure
Every step I take
Leads to one mistake
I keep goin' right back
To the one thing that I need
I'm about to break
And I can't stop this ache
Getting nothing in return
What did I do to deserve
The pain of this slow burn?
And everywhere I turn,
I keep goin' right back
To the one thing that I need
To walk away from

I need to get away from ya,
Need to walk away from ya,

Every time I try to grasp for air,
I am smothered in despair
It's never over, over
Seems I'll never wake from this nightmare
I let out a silent pray
Let it be over, over

Oh!
Inside I'm screaming, begging, pleading, no more

Now, what to do?
My heart has been bruised
So sad but it's true
Each treat reminds me of you

Oh, it hurts my soul
'Cause I can't let go
All these walls are cavin' in
I can't stop my sufferin'
I hate to show
That I've lost control
'Cause I keep goin' right back
To the one thing I need, oh
I'm about to break
And I can't stop this ache
I'm addicted to your allure
And I'm fiendin' for a cure
Every step I take
Leads to one mistake
I keep goin' right back
To the one thing I need, oh

I can't mend this torn state I'm in
Getting nothing in return
What did I do to deserve
The pain of this slow burn?
And everywhere I turn,
I keep goin' right back
To the one thing that I need
To walk away from

I need to get away from ya,
Need to walk away from ya
I need to get away from ya,
Need to walk away from ya
(repeat and fade out)

Man oh man... let my husband be as romantic as Keith Urban. I'd be satisfied by half! ;)

"Memories of Us" - Keith Urban

I'm gonna be here for you baby
I'll be a man of my word
Speak the language in a voice that you have never heard

I wanna sleep with you forever
And I wanna die in your arms
In a cabin by a meadow where the wild bees swarm

And I'm gonna love you like nobody loves you
And I'll earn your trust making memories of us

I wanna honor your mother
I wanna learn from your pa
I wanna steal your attention like a bad outlaw
I wanna stand out in a crowd for you
A man among men
I wanna make your world better than it's ever been

And I'm gonna love you like nobody loves you
And I'll earn your trust making memories of us

We'll follow the rainbow
Wherever the four winds blow
And there'll be a new day
Comin' your way

I'm gonna be here for you from now on
This you know somehow
You've been stretched to the limits but it's alright now

And I'm gonna make you this promise
If there's life after this
I'm gonna be there to meet you with a warm, wet kiss
And I'm gonna love you like nobody loves you
And I'll earn your trust making memories of us
I'm gonna love you like nobody loves you
And I'll win your trust making memories of us

It's funny how God works sometimes. One minute I think that I've completely given up on him and in that moment, I'm reminded of him. It's peculiar in the ways I'm reminded, but it's done nevertheless. I've been struggling lately. Struggling with my faith, with my parents, with happiness. I've spent so long fighting against God's pull that now that I'm beginning to realize there is one, I'm being caught up in its current. And sometimes the current takes me places I really don't want to go. My latest worry is that I'm being called to something that's impossible for me to do. God wants me to follow him faithfully and loyally for the rest of my life! Not that that alone is so daunting, but having to be someone that shepherds others in the meantime?

In all honesty, I'm scared to deal of what this call may or may not mean for me. I'm scared--nah, terrified--that I'm going to walk down this road and not only end up alone, but wind up looking like a fool. And yet, God keeps throwing these signs at me. He keeps nudging me as if to say "Finally! You get it! Now follow my will!" Well, God, I'm thrilled that you have a plan for me. But WHY did it have to take this long for me to discover?!

Anyway. Back to the signs. So, the other day, I'm passing medications around the nursing home because well, I'm a Medication Aide and that's my job. All of a sudden, it all stops. All of the stress, all of the negative parts of my day melted away and I was caught up in the moment. The dorkiest part of it was the fact that it was over the med "Theophilline." Yes. This particular med is taken for COPD. Nothing extraordinary. But do you know what captured my thoughts for those precious moments? The fact that Theophilline was a lot like Theophilus. Theophilus was the person whom the writer of Luke-Acts addressed his letters. Theophilus. Lover of God.

The other moment that caught me was in a reprieve from an overly chaotic day on the glorious 400 wing. Run, run, run, then Bam! Some silence. I was waiting for break when I walked up to one of the residents and began talking to pass the time. Wouldn't you know she had devised a clever plot to lure squirrels by spilling all of her popcorn outside her window. When I came upon her, she was waiting patiently for her little friends to arrive. So, I sat with her and waited. And sure enough, one of the furry little creatures came and gave us a show. Those precious five minutes of silence watching the little animal eat were some of the most peaceful and relaxing I've had in a long time. It reminded me that I sometimes just need to stop and let go.

Now I just need to seek out the peace that passes all understanding...

Yesterday was a bad day. Ever feel like your head is detached from your body? Like you are completely immersed within yourself and no matter how hard you scream, no one hears you? I felt trapped in my own head, yesterday. Even my friends kept commenting on how withdrawn I seemed. But I couldn't help it. Apparently, it was a day for contemplation. I hated it.

I woke up early (well, early for a normal teen. My 4:30 a.m. wake-ups for work make 8 a.m. wake up a breeze) and watched a little TV. I already knew that I was going to have problems by the fog that seemed to settle in my brain. Off I went to my friend who is in beauty school. She and I spent two hours redoing my hair and I don't think I said ten words. I just couldn't bring myself to be social! All I could do was keep thinking about everything... over and over and over again.

It sure as heck didn't help that I was limping everywhere either. If you've never had a sciatic nerve pinched, consider yourself blessed. The pain was at a 5 the entire time and I felt like crying. It was so back my stomach was constantly upset! Even Ibuprofen didn't touch it. I was a miserable girl. When I meet with the doc in a week and a half, I'm going to inquire into the spinal surgery. I'm tired of dealing with this.

Anyhow, got my hair done and my friend thought I was mad at her. Not mad, just confused by a lot of things. I was still caught up in what was going to become of my life. And then I got all miffed because for a few brilliant seconds I thought I was being called to be a revolutionary. To make waves in an area that not a lot are making them. And boy was I not happy with that!

In the end, it would be far easier for me to go into the Air Force. It's what my family wants, what society wants, and certainly isn't counter to what I want. It's too exhausting already to even talk about seminary and I haven't even graduated from college yet! Boo.

It's funny how one person's words can so severely affect another's thoughts. That's what happened to me tonight. A series of words that strung together broke my heart.

"It's not natural." That was the response I got when one of my sister's friends discovered I was thinking about becoming a pastor. Even after offering to explain to him what the particular verses meant and whatnot, he told me it wasn't right. That it didn't feel right. How can one argue against a gut feeling? This is a kid who comes from the same church background as I do. He represents the community that is telling me not to become a pastor. And yet, he didn't appeal to tradition or to verses. He spoke of it as though it were some deeply engrained sense of right or wrong. And my wanting to become a pastor? It was wrong.

In that moment I've never been caught up in so much quiet hysteria in all of my life. It was as if my heart sped up and stopped all at the same time. Feelings of guilt invaded my body and I suddenly got a clearer understanding that this was never going to be easy. If I choose to become a pastor, I would not only be abandoning a community that has cradled me for so long, but I'm going to be battling it out with others who find it completely wrong as well. Do I really want to deal with that struggle for the rest of my life? Can I deal with the pain its going to cause me?

Sometimes, breaking against the sociological restraints that one person is binded by can be inspiring. And other times? It's just hard for that person. How unusual this predicament is for me! I was raised to be a head-strong, independent woman. I want to go into the military for cripe's sake! I'm not afraid of people and rarely refuse to try something. And yet, when it comes to considering becoming a pastor, there is so much opposition in my path that I just want to give up. I feel like I'm back in the '50's and expected to only be the quiet housewife. How bizarre this is considering my career alternative! Bring people to God or possibly kill them in the military. What's going on with the world?!

I think my biggest fear would be for me to undertake this journey and fail at it. Not only fail, but come out in the end alone. Fear is what is driving me and it's taking my soul in all the wrong directions. I wish I were a boy about now. Would make things SO much easier!

My sister drives me nuts. She is absolutely the most close-minded person when it comes to religion I've ever met. She thinks she knows all she needs to know and that's that. She labels what I know as stuff I've learned from my "religion" classes and immediately calls it falls. And yet she quotes from Lee Strobel? The girl is a walking contradiction! She says that she KNOWS the gospels were written twenty years after Jesus died. I attempted to argue with her, but NO. She's right. Because Lee Strobel said so! I swear, Strobel has done more negative for the Christian religion than positive. I'm thrilled that he become a Christian, but he needs to go feed the poor or something. Misinforming people without proper scholarly backing gives me a headache.

It's mind-blowing how much my world has changed. I think about all of this knowledge I have about the bible now and it makes me angry that I can't share it. People can't grasp all of the information! It's like they either don't want to learn it or refuse to learn it. And talking with them about it only on occasion is like ripping your hair out one strand at a time! It's very frustrating. I just need to find a group of people that are at least somewhat on the same wavelength as me or I'm going to explode. Even in my religion classes, I can't find people that want to challenge me. I get all of these thoughts and new ideas, but can't express them because I feel like there aren't others that can keep up with me. And that's depressing and disappointing all at the same time. It's not like I'm so high on myself that I haven't tried, either. Because I have. And I usually get stared at. And these are other religion majors, too!

In the end, I'm trapped in this miserable cycle that I don't think I'll be able to escape from until I graduate. Maybe the Air Force really is the best solution for me. I can focus on saving people's lives and not have to worry about expectations or gut feelings. I don't have to worry about what I'm going to say in regard to the bible and I won't have to wait for someone to come challenge me. But, then, it could be that seminary is the level I'm looking for to be challenged at. It feels like there are two forces at work here pulling me in opposite directions. In one direction is this huge urge to further study the bible. It fascinates me! And yet, the other side has my parents and the people that say it is not natural.

I wish I were a boy. Except for maybe their inability to have babies. I can't wait to meet my children. At least I know that if nothing else, I can have my kids. That's something to look forward to!