Ah. A visit to the lake. A time of serenity and a fulfillment of all the urges of wilderness. It's a wonderful moment to reflect on the recent happenings in one's life and enjoy a time to prepare for the future. Yes, the beauty and solitude of a trip to the lake.

This was not that trip. Sad, sad day. After working 16 hours straight on Saturday and then turning around and pulling a 6-2 on Sunday, I was ready for lots of sleep. Or lots of fun. So, I drove directly down to the lake thinking that I could get a few hours in on the water. Nothing like thrashing your body about on the wake! Unfortunately, the wind was too high and the immense amount of whitecaps on the water told me that my plan was a no-go. Bummer.

Not that spending time with my family wasn't enjoyable. We teased Dolly with her chew toys and spent some time visiting. My father and I had the "so you're not going into the Air Force?" talk again, which of course always goes over fabulously. Somehow we moved into my not being good at ministry to the Gnostic Gospels, which he likes to talk about but knows nothing on. It's not really good to argue with someone who likes to read them as much as I do :D

Kelsey was the ever-attention-seeking girl. Ashton and I had some sisterly time where we dealt with some things that had happened the night before and Kelsey got jealous. She didn't like that Ash and I were spending time alone. It's hard to juggle!

After some more sitting around, my parents whipped out the tequila and began to hit the margaritas pretty hard. Nothing says love like getting drunk with your kids. Well, in front of them. They admitted to letting Ashton drink on Friday night... to which I clucked my tongue. It's like pouring gasoline into a fire!

Ash and I went to visit my friends across the lake and I ended up being their DD the rest of the night. The good news is I discovered some things.

1) I suck at driving jeeps. I almost crashed it. Twice.

2) Cops are EVERYWHERE on a holiday.

3) My best friend's girlfriend hates me. That's okay because I'm pretty sure he doesn't want to be in the relationship. We're even.

4) My parents absolutely love tearing down Christians and think it's weird when I say that I can't drink because I'm driving. Wow.

Woke up early this morning and had breakfast and then... went back to sleep. Nothing like napping at the lake. The kids woke me up again and started going on about being able to go out on the boat. I had no desire to because the parents were going to meet up with their friends and that makes me uncomfortable. So, I can home and visited Lou at the lake, then came back to our house. After airing the bug bomb out, I'm on here... again.

It's wonderful to know that the one thing I can count on in life is my parent's being bad influences...

Ah. Life. It's bittersweet sometimes, right? Yesterday was HC's graduation and somewhere between racing to go to a billion receptions, regaling my friend Jess with my immense knowledge of life, or simply rating the various cakes we were eating, I fully realized how for granted I take people. As the evening progressed and I spent time with this whole network of friends I had accumulated, I was hit with overwhelming sadness when I accepted that some of them I would never see again. Amazing, amazing people that I allowed into my life and seemingly a split second later they were exiting.

And it's not just the seniors that are making me sad for their departure. Now that it's summer, it means that all of my cool college friends are going away and I'm left here to fend for myself in the big H-town. I'm obsessed with these people right now. I've gotten all caught up in immersing myself into this community and am having it taken away from me. Suddenly, I'm taken away from this pillowy goodness and returned to my life where it's me and Lou against the world. I don't think I was ready to leave this support system and venture out by myself. At a time where I'm more separated from my family than ever, I could have used a few more weeks of school. Maybe a few more months!

In the end, I'm sure that the summer is going to be good for me. Just as important as dependence on people is, I still need to make sure I can take care of myself. All the same, I miss my peeps terribly! It just isn't the same without them. What am I going to do without going to class everyday and begging Trace to let us out early? Or doing quote of the day in Apostle Paul? Or sleeping through Intermediate II? As stressful as this year was for me, I accidentally fell in love with it somewhere along the line. I fell in love with the people, the classes, and the atmosphere. It's heartbreaking to see that go.

So, here I sit, alone in my house and wallowing in my own self despair. I've already watched an episode of Buffy today. I *really* need to get to work on some web design. I have another chapter to write in my story... I absolutely need to get a start on my summer classes. But, I'm rather content on looking fondly at what's been an amazing year.

Why does it feel like I'm the one who graduated?!

To all of my friends out there: I love you. Miss you. And I can't WAIT to see you again. I hope you all of awesome experiences over the summer and know that you are all in my prayers. Without you, I am nothing. Thank you for your love and support!

One a.m. My roommate is asleep and I have my last final tomorrow. One would expect me to be toiling away studying Decision Models and Theory, but instead I am on a break from watching the Wedding Planner. I had intended for this day to be study-intensive, but succombed to the much yummier urges of sleep. It was a way longer nap than I had intended, but definitely gave me the power to stay up all night. Who knew that it would be doing stuff other than studying?

Yeah, yeah, I'll get back to staring at the book in awhile. For now, I'm content on mulling over my day. It's been a day of revelation I tell you. Who knew banana chips were so high in fat? Or that if you put too much instant tea mix into your drink it tastes bad? Or that a person was capable of spilling a LOT of things in such a short time period? Yes, I'm sleep deprived. It's finals week!

Anyway, during my "break" from studying, I came across an article in Glamour. 12 Ways to be a better person. Hmmm... let's dive in!

1. Ask more questions. Then wait to hear the answers. I think the best questions lead to further questions, not definitive answers. But, that could be my rebelling against Accounting right now. I'm very into abstract ideas and simply not knowing. It's a humbling thing to realize that in the grand scheme of things we know nothing at all.

2. Whenever a Gap or Wal-Mart greeter says "hi," stop for a mini sec, make real eye contact and say "hi" back. Isn't this more good manners than being a better person? Personally, I think it takes more to stop and ask them how their day is going and develop a basic relationship with the person. At Maurices, we get to know our customers by asking them more questions. Too bad we couldn't exercise that into our everyday lives.

3. Be one of the 200 people to actually vote in your local-yokel election. Ummm... what's a yokel? And I do vote. Usually. But I don't think that necessarily makes me a better person. Maybe an informed citizen.

4. Write a thank-you letter to that favorite teacher you've been thanking silently for years. Better yet, make it hand-written. I actually really like this one. With my growing obsession on the early churches, I absolutely love the idea of sending letters. It's too tempting though to merely type it up and sign it. Taking the time to hand write it puts a little of your soul into it, I think.

5. One out of every five times that you have a perfectly good reason to be pissed at your guy, don't be. Hmmm... maybe we should apply that to all of our relationships in life. And instead of focusing on when not to be mad, perhaps we should focus on how to better forgive and love the people around us. Just a thought...

6. When in Rome, at least attempt to say "hello," "goodbye," and "please" in Italian. Uhh... how does this make me a better person? I mean, I could speak the Ong Yong language all day but that's not going to affect how good of a person I am, right?

7. When you see someone running desperately for the elevator, don't just lift your hand as if to push the "door open" button - actually push it! Isn't that good manners again? And there are actually people who don't push the button? Wow.

8. Calculate a generous tip -- and add an extra buck. Manners, people. I will admit there was one time when my cousin and I came up with a system where certain people got 15%, others 10%, and others 5%. But, I was twelve back then and am way too old now to admit what the critera was.

9. Wipe off the sink, change the toilet paper roll, and when the dishwasher is full, start it -- all the things that'd make you fumeif he didn't do them. Wow. Doing chores makes you a better person? Far Out!

10. Give a five-year-old a pedicure. Rock on. I LOVE little kids. They are so imaginative and open! I can't describe to you how much I adore them. I've had baby fever since I was like thirteen! Here's a good time to confess the people I would choose to meet in the whole world would be my kids. Celebrities are great and all, but I can't wait to see the people my kids turn into.

11. Buy a piece of real art. Your home will thank you and so will the starving artist. Dude. Decorating one's house does not make them into a better person. Colorful, perhaps.

12. Compliment a stranger on her shoes, her baby, her lovely accent. Everyday I have a goal to make at least one person smile or laugh. It opens up a secret window directly into a person's soul that is so hard to get to! And what's more, it enables you to begin a relationship with them. To get to know them better. When used right, a compliment or humor can make all the difference in saving a person's day. I love people and think that in order to express that love, we need to take those few extra steps. It would be a shame to pass up the opportunity to get to know extraordinary people!

What disappoints me about this list is that it doesn't really lead someone to being a 'better' person per se. To me, a good person is ever-evolving. It's really hard to define, I guess, but I'd like to think a better person constitutes more than just leaving a good tip. A good person is one who not only leaves a good tip, but is nice to the waiter and leaves knowing his/her name and a little bit about them. They are the ones who try to stay on the right path even when no one is watching.

When analyzing relationships with God, I think it's important to remember that someone can be a good person and not be in love with God. My parents are good people. Heck, they're great people. I know that and can see that. But, they aren't saved. No matter how much good they do on this Earth, they won't go to heaven until they begin to unfold their relationships with God. Christians are called to be good people out of our love for Christ. We are expected to love one another.

If you want to become a better person, I think the best thing you can do is focus on the smaller things in life. Focus on straightening your path out a little and see where that takes you. It's a beautiful thing!

My anthem. I've got a lot of songs that define my life. "I'll Be" is my wedding song... song by Garth Brooks are my comfort songs... Travis Tritt sings to me when I'm sad... I listen to Instrumental Jazz when needing to study... Top 40 when I just want to dance around... but I have ONE song that defines my life right now. It's my anthem because EVERY time I hear it, I fall in love with it all over again. It reminds me that no matter how bad I think my life is, there's still so much to look forward to. The every moment is a new beginning. I love love love it!

"Unwritten" by Natasha Bedingfield

I am unwritten, can't read my mind, I'm undefined
I'm just beginning, the pen's in my hand, ending unplanned
Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find
Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your inhibitions

Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten

Oh, oh, oh

I break tradition, sometimes my tries, are outside the lines
We've been conditioned to not make mistakes, but I can't live that way

Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find
Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your inner visions

Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins

Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten

It's been nearly a month since I've updated! I have no idea where any of the time went. None whatsoever. For instance, it feels like JUST the other day when my friends and I were discussing one of our friends getting married in 56 day... and it just happened this past Saturday.

I have so many random thoughts going through my mind that it just seems like utter chaos. The first is my recent reflection on the kingdom of God. My earliest memory of being introduced to the concept of heaven is way back when I was like... seven. My Daddy told me that when I die, I'll go to a beautiful place and he'll come open the door for me and give me a hug and welcome me. Even now as I think about it, it brings tears to my eyes. It seems so silly to have so much emotions surrounding such a simple concept. When I think about that I think of peace. That was my concept of heaven until I became involved with the church. I associated it with love.

When I started my confirmation classes I began to realize that the notion I had lived with comfortably for so long was wrong. Heaven wasn't only NOT like how my Dad had promised, but even more difficult, it was becoming readily apparent that he wouldn't be there with me. I can't imagine not having my parents in my life. I love them SO much. It scares me... terrifies me to look forward to an afterlife without them. I realize that a lot of people say we won't recognize one another in heaven. That it will be the absolute worship of God and that's all we need. But, regardless of how it might be, it breaks my heart now.

My understanding of heaven became a little more complex in high school when I came to know the different levels of heaven and the absolute submission of us to God. It is a very Pauline concept (he speaks of the third level of heaven from a vision in his letters).

And now? I'm exploring a very Gnostic concept of the kingdom. My favorite idea comes from Velvet Elvis where Rob Bell talks about heaven on earth. He says that is whenthe true will of God is fulfilled. Hell is the absence of the will of God. So, we can live either in heaven or hell on earth. It's almost sacred to think about. In the Gospel of Thomas (a gnostic gospel discovered at Nag Hammadi) there is a lot of emphasis placed on the kingdom of God being here now and the fact that we are too blind to see it. Interesting indeed...

Another thought that's been on my mind lately is loving someone so much it hurts. I was hit with that one while listening to Martina McBride the other day while meditating in my room. Her song Blessed talks about being grateful for the simple things in life. Loving someone so much that it hurts. Isn't that an awesome pursuit? I think about my family and my friends and realize those are the people I love so much that it hurts. Those are the ones that I would do ANYTHING for. I would die if I had to for them. My heart aches out of its fullness of love for them. But, I know my heart is capable of so much more. In my pursuit of God, I need to turn my attention on loving him so much that it hurts. Being fulfilled with the serene pain that comes from being in a relationship with him. I want to know God, love God, feel his presence in all things. But that's a long journey from where I'm at now. I'm also attemting to apply it to all people that cross my path. Even people we dislike need to be loved so much it hurts. God calls us to love one another deeply. I wish to learn to express that love more fully.

I had this interesting dream earlier when I was 'studying' for my Apostle Paul final. It began at my parents' home, but prior to when we moved into my grandparents' old place. The trailer house was vacant, but I had to go in there to do... something. I remember my job being that of needing to instruct a person on how to dance for a party... LOL. It was under Grandma's orders!

The next thing I knew, while attempting to explain to this boy how he was supposed to dance, my mother and youngest sister showed up to the trailer. And then bam! It wasn't a trailer anymore, but more like a penthouse on top of a skyscraper. We were at this party, interestingly enough, that happened to hold a safe full of money guarded by a security guard (this quiet girl I know from school).

So, here we are, sitting at this party, when I overheard someone say "He's got a gun." It was a quiet, dull, emotionless way of saying it as if it were almost matter-of-fact. That's when this shiny glint of light caught my eye and I had the sudden realization that some did, in fact, have a gun. But, despite my discovering this, I didn't do anything immediately. It was almost as if I was accepting of the fact that it was going to happen regardless of what I did. Sure enough, someone pulled out a gun and people started screaming. I grabbed my youngest sister and tore her down to the floor. Putting my body over hers, I screamed for my Mom, but she wasn't reacting. She was just...standing there. For awhile, it seemed not matter how much I would reach, I couldn't get to her.

Then, the gunshots rang out and she finally moved. I managed to grab hold of her and yanked her to the floor. There we laid in a huddle mass with my attempting to cover them up as much as possible with my own body. The entire time I wasn't afraid of dying. I was more concerned with not allowing them to die. I was praying to God to not take them. And then I made them say the Lord's prayer with me while all this chaos unfolded in the background.

The next thing I knew, this woman was informing everyone that they were going to be taken hostage and hidden in a room. They would be discovered by the authorities in a few hours. But, not everyone was a hostage. She somehow had gathered up support from people in the party and they were doing something revolutionary. So, I forced my Mom and sister to go with the other hostages and I followed the psychotic lady. I wanted to help her... to understand her... to save her. I didn't know how I was going to do it, but I was determined to do it.

Suddenly, the scene changed and there was TONS of people aiding her cause. I can remember my going up to one of her henchmen and explaining that she could use me. That I was going to be military in a few years or something... like that was a sacred and prestigious rite. She reacted as such and immediately allowed me to come along.

So, I followed these people to the very top of this sky scraper where they were about to walk across a beam between the building we were in and the building across. I sat terrified as people would attempt to walk across and fall off. It horrified me even further when people who had already made it across would jump off the beam in an attempt to save the weak ones. I couldn't understand why they were doing a meaningless sacrifice. There was no sense in jumping off if they couldn't prevent what was happening.

Before I could do anything further, I saw a plaque. It said something to the effect of: Guilty: 29 On the charges of aiding: Innocent: 3,000.

That's when I woke up. I have NO idea! Kinda weird. Definitely worth mulling over.

Anyhow, time to get back to studying.

Peace. Out.