It's funny how one person's words can so severely affect another's thoughts. That's what happened to me tonight. A series of words that strung together broke my heart.
"It's not natural." That was the response I got when one of my sister's friends discovered I was thinking about becoming a pastor. Even after offering to explain to him what the particular verses meant and whatnot, he told me it wasn't right. That it didn't feel right. How can one argue against a gut feeling? This is a kid who comes from the same church background as I do. He represents the community that is telling me not to become a pastor. And yet, he didn't appeal to tradition or to verses. He spoke of it as though it were some deeply engrained sense of right or wrong. And my wanting to become a pastor? It was wrong.
In that moment I've never been caught up in so much quiet hysteria in all of my life. It was as if my heart sped up and stopped all at the same time. Feelings of guilt invaded my body and I suddenly got a clearer understanding that this was never going to be easy. If I choose to become a pastor, I would not only be abandoning a community that has cradled me for so long, but I'm going to be battling it out with others who find it completely wrong as well. Do I really want to deal with that struggle for the rest of my life? Can I deal with the pain its going to cause me?
Sometimes, breaking against the sociological restraints that one person is binded by can be inspiring. And other times? It's just hard for that person. How unusual this predicament is for me! I was raised to be a head-strong, independent woman. I want to go into the military for cripe's sake! I'm not afraid of people and rarely refuse to try something. And yet, when it comes to considering becoming a pastor, there is so much opposition in my path that I just want to give up. I feel like I'm back in the '50's and expected to only be the quiet housewife. How bizarre this is considering my career alternative! Bring people to God or possibly kill them in the military. What's going on with the world?!
I think my biggest fear would be for me to undertake this journey and fail at it. Not only fail, but come out in the end alone. Fear is what is driving me and it's taking my soul in all the wrong directions. I wish I were a boy about now. Would make things SO much easier!
My sister drives me nuts. She is absolutely the most close-minded person when it comes to religion I've ever met. She thinks she knows all she needs to know and that's that. She labels what I know as stuff I've learned from my "religion" classes and immediately calls it falls. And yet she quotes from Lee Strobel? The girl is a walking contradiction! She says that she KNOWS the gospels were written twenty years after Jesus died. I attempted to argue with her, but NO. She's right. Because Lee Strobel said so! I swear, Strobel has done more negative for the Christian religion than positive. I'm thrilled that he become a Christian, but he needs to go feed the poor or something. Misinforming people without proper scholarly backing gives me a headache.
It's mind-blowing how much my world has changed. I think about all of this knowledge I have about the bible now and it makes me angry that I can't share it. People can't grasp all of the information! It's like they either don't want to learn it or refuse to learn it. And talking with them about it only on occasion is like ripping your hair out one strand at a time! It's very frustrating. I just need to find a group of people that are at least somewhat on the same wavelength as me or I'm going to explode. Even in my religion classes, I can't find people that want to challenge me. I get all of these thoughts and new ideas, but can't express them because I feel like there aren't others that can keep up with me. And that's depressing and disappointing all at the same time. It's not like I'm so high on myself that I haven't tried, either. Because I have. And I usually get stared at. And these are other religion majors, too!
In the end, I'm trapped in this miserable cycle that I don't think I'll be able to escape from until I graduate. Maybe the Air Force really is the best solution for me. I can focus on saving people's lives and not have to worry about expectations or gut feelings. I don't have to worry about what I'm going to say in regard to the bible and I won't have to wait for someone to come challenge me. But, then, it could be that seminary is the level I'm looking for to be challenged at. It feels like there are two forces at work here pulling me in opposite directions. In one direction is this huge urge to further study the bible. It fascinates me! And yet, the other side has my parents and the people that say it is not natural.
I wish I were a boy. Except for maybe their inability to have babies. I can't wait to meet my children. At least I know that if nothing else, I can have my kids. That's something to look forward to!
"It's not natural." That was the response I got when one of my sister's friends discovered I was thinking about becoming a pastor. Even after offering to explain to him what the particular verses meant and whatnot, he told me it wasn't right. That it didn't feel right. How can one argue against a gut feeling? This is a kid who comes from the same church background as I do. He represents the community that is telling me not to become a pastor. And yet, he didn't appeal to tradition or to verses. He spoke of it as though it were some deeply engrained sense of right or wrong. And my wanting to become a pastor? It was wrong.
In that moment I've never been caught up in so much quiet hysteria in all of my life. It was as if my heart sped up and stopped all at the same time. Feelings of guilt invaded my body and I suddenly got a clearer understanding that this was never going to be easy. If I choose to become a pastor, I would not only be abandoning a community that has cradled me for so long, but I'm going to be battling it out with others who find it completely wrong as well. Do I really want to deal with that struggle for the rest of my life? Can I deal with the pain its going to cause me?
Sometimes, breaking against the sociological restraints that one person is binded by can be inspiring. And other times? It's just hard for that person. How unusual this predicament is for me! I was raised to be a head-strong, independent woman. I want to go into the military for cripe's sake! I'm not afraid of people and rarely refuse to try something. And yet, when it comes to considering becoming a pastor, there is so much opposition in my path that I just want to give up. I feel like I'm back in the '50's and expected to only be the quiet housewife. How bizarre this is considering my career alternative! Bring people to God or possibly kill them in the military. What's going on with the world?!
I think my biggest fear would be for me to undertake this journey and fail at it. Not only fail, but come out in the end alone. Fear is what is driving me and it's taking my soul in all the wrong directions. I wish I were a boy about now. Would make things SO much easier!
My sister drives me nuts. She is absolutely the most close-minded person when it comes to religion I've ever met. She thinks she knows all she needs to know and that's that. She labels what I know as stuff I've learned from my "religion" classes and immediately calls it falls. And yet she quotes from Lee Strobel? The girl is a walking contradiction! She says that she KNOWS the gospels were written twenty years after Jesus died. I attempted to argue with her, but NO. She's right. Because Lee Strobel said so! I swear, Strobel has done more negative for the Christian religion than positive. I'm thrilled that he become a Christian, but he needs to go feed the poor or something. Misinforming people without proper scholarly backing gives me a headache.
It's mind-blowing how much my world has changed. I think about all of this knowledge I have about the bible now and it makes me angry that I can't share it. People can't grasp all of the information! It's like they either don't want to learn it or refuse to learn it. And talking with them about it only on occasion is like ripping your hair out one strand at a time! It's very frustrating. I just need to find a group of people that are at least somewhat on the same wavelength as me or I'm going to explode. Even in my religion classes, I can't find people that want to challenge me. I get all of these thoughts and new ideas, but can't express them because I feel like there aren't others that can keep up with me. And that's depressing and disappointing all at the same time. It's not like I'm so high on myself that I haven't tried, either. Because I have. And I usually get stared at. And these are other religion majors, too!
In the end, I'm trapped in this miserable cycle that I don't think I'll be able to escape from until I graduate. Maybe the Air Force really is the best solution for me. I can focus on saving people's lives and not have to worry about expectations or gut feelings. I don't have to worry about what I'm going to say in regard to the bible and I won't have to wait for someone to come challenge me. But, then, it could be that seminary is the level I'm looking for to be challenged at. It feels like there are two forces at work here pulling me in opposite directions. In one direction is this huge urge to further study the bible. It fascinates me! And yet, the other side has my parents and the people that say it is not natural.
I wish I were a boy. Except for maybe their inability to have babies. I can't wait to meet my children. At least I know that if nothing else, I can have my kids. That's something to look forward to!
posted by Whit at 10:21 PM
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