It's been nearly a month since I've updated! I have no idea where any of the time went. None whatsoever. For instance, it feels like JUST the other day when my friends and I were discussing one of our friends getting married in 56 day... and it just happened this past Saturday.
I have so many random thoughts going through my mind that it just seems like utter chaos. The first is my recent reflection on the kingdom of God. My earliest memory of being introduced to the concept of heaven is way back when I was like... seven. My Daddy told me that when I die, I'll go to a beautiful place and he'll come open the door for me and give me a hug and welcome me. Even now as I think about it, it brings tears to my eyes. It seems so silly to have so much emotions surrounding such a simple concept. When I think about that I think of peace. That was my concept of heaven until I became involved with the church. I associated it with love.
When I started my confirmation classes I began to realize that the notion I had lived with comfortably for so long was wrong. Heaven wasn't only NOT like how my Dad had promised, but even more difficult, it was becoming readily apparent that he wouldn't be there with me. I can't imagine not having my parents in my life. I love them SO much. It scares me... terrifies me to look forward to an afterlife without them. I realize that a lot of people say we won't recognize one another in heaven. That it will be the absolute worship of God and that's all we need. But, regardless of how it might be, it breaks my heart now.
My understanding of heaven became a little more complex in high school when I came to know the different levels of heaven and the absolute submission of us to God. It is a very Pauline concept (he speaks of the third level of heaven from a vision in his letters).
And now? I'm exploring a very Gnostic concept of the kingdom. My favorite idea comes from Velvet Elvis where Rob Bell talks about heaven on earth. He says that is whenthe true will of God is fulfilled. Hell is the absence of the will of God. So, we can live either in heaven or hell on earth. It's almost sacred to think about. In the Gospel of Thomas (a gnostic gospel discovered at Nag Hammadi) there is a lot of emphasis placed on the kingdom of God being here now and the fact that we are too blind to see it. Interesting indeed...
Another thought that's been on my mind lately is loving someone so much it hurts. I was hit with that one while listening to Martina McBride the other day while meditating in my room. Her song Blessed talks about being grateful for the simple things in life. Loving someone so much that it hurts. Isn't that an awesome pursuit? I think about my family and my friends and realize those are the people I love so much that it hurts. Those are the ones that I would do ANYTHING for. I would die if I had to for them. My heart aches out of its fullness of love for them. But, I know my heart is capable of so much more. In my pursuit of God, I need to turn my attention on loving him so much that it hurts. Being fulfilled with the serene pain that comes from being in a relationship with him. I want to know God, love God, feel his presence in all things. But that's a long journey from where I'm at now. I'm also attemting to apply it to all people that cross my path. Even people we dislike need to be loved so much it hurts. God calls us to love one another deeply. I wish to learn to express that love more fully.
I had this interesting dream earlier when I was 'studying' for my Apostle Paul final. It began at my parents' home, but prior to when we moved into my grandparents' old place. The trailer house was vacant, but I had to go in there to do... something. I remember my job being that of needing to instruct a person on how to dance for a party... LOL. It was under Grandma's orders!
The next thing I knew, while attempting to explain to this boy how he was supposed to dance, my mother and youngest sister showed up to the trailer. And then bam! It wasn't a trailer anymore, but more like a penthouse on top of a skyscraper. We were at this party, interestingly enough, that happened to hold a safe full of money guarded by a security guard (this quiet girl I know from school).
So, here we are, sitting at this party, when I overheard someone say "He's got a gun." It was a quiet, dull, emotionless way of saying it as if it were almost matter-of-fact. That's when this shiny glint of light caught my eye and I had the sudden realization that some did, in fact, have a gun. But, despite my discovering this, I didn't do anything immediately. It was almost as if I was accepting of the fact that it was going to happen regardless of what I did. Sure enough, someone pulled out a gun and people started screaming. I grabbed my youngest sister and tore her down to the floor. Putting my body over hers, I screamed for my Mom, but she wasn't reacting. She was just...standing there. For awhile, it seemed not matter how much I would reach, I couldn't get to her.
Then, the gunshots rang out and she finally moved. I managed to grab hold of her and yanked her to the floor. There we laid in a huddle mass with my attempting to cover them up as much as possible with my own body. The entire time I wasn't afraid of dying. I was more concerned with not allowing them to die. I was praying to God to not take them. And then I made them say the Lord's prayer with me while all this chaos unfolded in the background.
The next thing I knew, this woman was informing everyone that they were going to be taken hostage and hidden in a room. They would be discovered by the authorities in a few hours. But, not everyone was a hostage. She somehow had gathered up support from people in the party and they were doing something revolutionary. So, I forced my Mom and sister to go with the other hostages and I followed the psychotic lady. I wanted to help her... to understand her... to save her. I didn't know how I was going to do it, but I was determined to do it.
Suddenly, the scene changed and there was TONS of people aiding her cause. I can remember my going up to one of her henchmen and explaining that she could use me. That I was going to be military in a few years or something... like that was a sacred and prestigious rite. She reacted as such and immediately allowed me to come along.
So, I followed these people to the very top of this sky scraper where they were about to walk across a beam between the building we were in and the building across. I sat terrified as people would attempt to walk across and fall off. It horrified me even further when people who had already made it across would jump off the beam in an attempt to save the weak ones. I couldn't understand why they were doing a meaningless sacrifice. There was no sense in jumping off if they couldn't prevent what was happening.
Before I could do anything further, I saw a plaque. It said something to the effect of: Guilty: 29 On the charges of aiding: Innocent: 3,000.
That's when I woke up. I have NO idea! Kinda weird. Definitely worth mulling over.
Anyhow, time to get back to studying.
Peace. Out.
I have so many random thoughts going through my mind that it just seems like utter chaos. The first is my recent reflection on the kingdom of God. My earliest memory of being introduced to the concept of heaven is way back when I was like... seven. My Daddy told me that when I die, I'll go to a beautiful place and he'll come open the door for me and give me a hug and welcome me. Even now as I think about it, it brings tears to my eyes. It seems so silly to have so much emotions surrounding such a simple concept. When I think about that I think of peace. That was my concept of heaven until I became involved with the church. I associated it with love.
When I started my confirmation classes I began to realize that the notion I had lived with comfortably for so long was wrong. Heaven wasn't only NOT like how my Dad had promised, but even more difficult, it was becoming readily apparent that he wouldn't be there with me. I can't imagine not having my parents in my life. I love them SO much. It scares me... terrifies me to look forward to an afterlife without them. I realize that a lot of people say we won't recognize one another in heaven. That it will be the absolute worship of God and that's all we need. But, regardless of how it might be, it breaks my heart now.
My understanding of heaven became a little more complex in high school when I came to know the different levels of heaven and the absolute submission of us to God. It is a very Pauline concept (he speaks of the third level of heaven from a vision in his letters).
And now? I'm exploring a very Gnostic concept of the kingdom. My favorite idea comes from Velvet Elvis where Rob Bell talks about heaven on earth. He says that is whenthe true will of God is fulfilled. Hell is the absence of the will of God. So, we can live either in heaven or hell on earth. It's almost sacred to think about. In the Gospel of Thomas (a gnostic gospel discovered at Nag Hammadi) there is a lot of emphasis placed on the kingdom of God being here now and the fact that we are too blind to see it. Interesting indeed...
Another thought that's been on my mind lately is loving someone so much it hurts. I was hit with that one while listening to Martina McBride the other day while meditating in my room. Her song Blessed talks about being grateful for the simple things in life. Loving someone so much that it hurts. Isn't that an awesome pursuit? I think about my family and my friends and realize those are the people I love so much that it hurts. Those are the ones that I would do ANYTHING for. I would die if I had to for them. My heart aches out of its fullness of love for them. But, I know my heart is capable of so much more. In my pursuit of God, I need to turn my attention on loving him so much that it hurts. Being fulfilled with the serene pain that comes from being in a relationship with him. I want to know God, love God, feel his presence in all things. But that's a long journey from where I'm at now. I'm also attemting to apply it to all people that cross my path. Even people we dislike need to be loved so much it hurts. God calls us to love one another deeply. I wish to learn to express that love more fully.
I had this interesting dream earlier when I was 'studying' for my Apostle Paul final. It began at my parents' home, but prior to when we moved into my grandparents' old place. The trailer house was vacant, but I had to go in there to do... something. I remember my job being that of needing to instruct a person on how to dance for a party... LOL. It was under Grandma's orders!
The next thing I knew, while attempting to explain to this boy how he was supposed to dance, my mother and youngest sister showed up to the trailer. And then bam! It wasn't a trailer anymore, but more like a penthouse on top of a skyscraper. We were at this party, interestingly enough, that happened to hold a safe full of money guarded by a security guard (this quiet girl I know from school).
So, here we are, sitting at this party, when I overheard someone say "He's got a gun." It was a quiet, dull, emotionless way of saying it as if it were almost matter-of-fact. That's when this shiny glint of light caught my eye and I had the sudden realization that some did, in fact, have a gun. But, despite my discovering this, I didn't do anything immediately. It was almost as if I was accepting of the fact that it was going to happen regardless of what I did. Sure enough, someone pulled out a gun and people started screaming. I grabbed my youngest sister and tore her down to the floor. Putting my body over hers, I screamed for my Mom, but she wasn't reacting. She was just...standing there. For awhile, it seemed not matter how much I would reach, I couldn't get to her.
Then, the gunshots rang out and she finally moved. I managed to grab hold of her and yanked her to the floor. There we laid in a huddle mass with my attempting to cover them up as much as possible with my own body. The entire time I wasn't afraid of dying. I was more concerned with not allowing them to die. I was praying to God to not take them. And then I made them say the Lord's prayer with me while all this chaos unfolded in the background.
The next thing I knew, this woman was informing everyone that they were going to be taken hostage and hidden in a room. They would be discovered by the authorities in a few hours. But, not everyone was a hostage. She somehow had gathered up support from people in the party and they were doing something revolutionary. So, I forced my Mom and sister to go with the other hostages and I followed the psychotic lady. I wanted to help her... to understand her... to save her. I didn't know how I was going to do it, but I was determined to do it.
Suddenly, the scene changed and there was TONS of people aiding her cause. I can remember my going up to one of her henchmen and explaining that she could use me. That I was going to be military in a few years or something... like that was a sacred and prestigious rite. She reacted as such and immediately allowed me to come along.
So, I followed these people to the very top of this sky scraper where they were about to walk across a beam between the building we were in and the building across. I sat terrified as people would attempt to walk across and fall off. It horrified me even further when people who had already made it across would jump off the beam in an attempt to save the weak ones. I couldn't understand why they were doing a meaningless sacrifice. There was no sense in jumping off if they couldn't prevent what was happening.
Before I could do anything further, I saw a plaque. It said something to the effect of: Guilty: 29 On the charges of aiding: Innocent: 3,000.
That's when I woke up. I have NO idea! Kinda weird. Definitely worth mulling over.
Anyhow, time to get back to studying.
Peace. Out.
posted by Whit at 5:16 PM
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