I don't like school very much. And now that I'm living at home, I'm discovering that I don't like that much either. And hell, while we're at it, I don't like me very much right now.

So, here I am, stuck in this black hole of self-image sucking hysteria and I'm looking for a way to get out. Yes, I move to Guatemala in six weeks. But, even then, that's not enough. I already don't want to come BACK from Guatemala and I haven't even gone yet!

I thought the answer was going to be for me to come back from Central America, hang out with my HC friends for three weeks, then head to Tanzania for the summer. I figured by the time I got back I'd be ready to start the school year. But as things are shaping up, I don't think it's going to be enough. I need to get out of this place. I need a fresh start, a new beginning. I want a chance to start everything over again and choose how things are going to be. Make new friends, start a new life, live again.

And I don't see that happening in Nebraska. Everything is so orderly and small here. There isn't any way out that I can foresee. It's the same old stuff over and over again and I'm craving something new.

So, when my Dad shot at me the possibility of working in State Farm's claims division, I laughed at him. It was his attempt to undermine my intention to go into seminary--again. But, the more I thought about it, the more it appeals to me. The job pays $25/hour base. I don't need my Bachelor's Degree yet, so I can get it at a nearby university while working. I can move out of Nebraska and go where the job wants me to go. There's a few openings in New York and California, some in Illinois. What's important to me is that it doesn't say "Nebraska."

Yes, this means that I would be compromising my intention to go to seminary. I wouldn't graduate with a Religion degree any longer. It would mean I would be agreeing to remain in the business world. But, that's not so bad. Once I turn 23 I can go into the FBI like I originally intended...

At this point, I don't know what I want to do for sure. I know that I feel like my soul is being sucked out of me and that I don't have a lot more options. I feel like a part of me is dying slowly inside and no one seems to be noticing. I've lost a lot of things lately. I feel like I'm all alone in this and I don't want to be anymore. It's not fun to be alone. In fact, it downright sucks. But to all those people who said I couldn't do it? Screw you. I'm living life alone right now: sans friends, sans familial support... and I'm figuring out ways to get rid of all of you who make my life a living hell. For all you people who tear me down, who say I can't do things, who can't love me for who I am: Goodbye.

You know when people tell you your prayers have been answered? I was an intense skeptic of that. Seriously, check out the entry I did on prayer.

But, then I had a prayer answered. And it was the most powerful experience of my entire life.

The exact details probably don't matter that much, in fact, I know they don't. What I do know was that I was in this deep valley of despair. And in walks... this person with God straight on his heels and he says "Let's pray together." I've never had a connection with prayer before. Never had a moment where I went "wow." Until tonight. That's when I knew. That's when I knew that God was moving. In that moment.

This person barely knows me. But he knows that I'm destined for pastoralhood. That was the first thing that got me listening. And then he spoke about my heart and the things on it and I was just in awe. Simple and sweet awe. And then when I prayed, I understood that I didn't really have the capacity to pray for a lot of other people. That in that very moment, it was about God re-entering my life. I don't remember exactly what I said, but I poured my heart into it.

I believe in God. I believe that Jesus died on the cross for my sins. Thank God. My unbelief has been made new again!

I believe!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Quotes from an article entitled: "The New Atheism: No Heaven. No Hell. Just Science." in Wired magazine for November 2006.

"Highly intelligent people are mostly atheists," he says. "Not a single member of either house of Congress admits to being atheist. It just doesn't add up. Either they're stupid, or they're lying. And have they got a motive for lying? Of course they've got a motive! Everybody knows that an atheist can't get elected." - Richard Dawkins, author of "The God Delusion."

"Nonbelievers like myself stand beside you," he writes, addressing his imaginary opponent, "dumbstruck by the Muslim hordes who chant death to whole nations of the living. But we stand dumbstruck by you as well - by your denial of tangible reality, by the suffering you create in service to your religious myths, and by your attachment to an imaginary God." - Sam Harris, author of "The End of Faith: Religion, Terror, and the Future of Reason."

The Catholic church's prohibition of condoms allows the spread of AIDS to grow ever-increasing.

So, there's me, a person of reasonably high intelligence (138 last time I was tested...) who is struggling with her belief in God. And then I read this article and find out that close to 30 million people in the United States don't believe in God.

I thought that last night I had things figured out. That I knew there was a God because I got some sort of sense of him while in the prayer room. That among all of those people altogether I could almost feel God's presence. I thought I had decided to believe again.

And then I read this article and don't know anymore. That makes me so very sad. How can one not know about believing in God? But... I'm lost. And the more I read about atheism the more I'm coming to realize that it makes sense.

So, what do I do? If I can't get some sort of a connection with God is that to mean that God isn't real?

I can't do this...

I was told tonight that when someone met me, she pictured this song in my head. I've never had a song dedicated to me before!

According to John: She's in Love

What a beautiful smile
A radiant girl
Fell in love first time I saw her
She stays on my mind
I’d give anything
To know everything about her

Pre-Chorus:There’s light in her eyes
And I know it’s all for him
She carries on and on
Like he was her best friend

Chorus:
She’s in love (echo)
It’s not hard to see
But I would like to believe it was with me
Someone got a hold of her heart
And he won’t let go
And I know
She’s in love

Verse2:
She looks to the sky
When she talks about him
She believes he hung the moon
Said he had to go away
She waits for his return
Says he’s coming for her soon

Pre-Chorus2:
How can this be fair?
This guy can walk on water
Don’t guess I’ve got a prayer
He’s written love letters - to reach her

Bridge:
She worships the ground he walks on
She just smiles when she says his name
It’s a match made in heaven
I can’t compete with the King of Kings

Do I believe in God?

I'm listening to Evanescence and waiting for my lil' roommate to get home in order for us to dine with one another. She had a rough morning (she was convinced that she had no one close to her) so I figured that a nice dinner was exactly what we needed. My younger sis is coming over to spend the night, but she assures me Dad grilled enough food to feed a third world country earlier so she won't be eating.

I made a salad to go with our poppyseed dressing that I love so much. We have some fruity wine, which is awesome. The main dish I decided was going to be swedish meatballs, mainly because I love to squish them together. I also whipped up some green bean casserole, but stuck some oyesters in it because Lou LOVES oyesters. Never done that before... so it could be interesting. AND I bought some portabello mushrooms and stuffed them with a blend of cheeses. Combine that with my "witchy candles" and we're set!

So, while I'm waiting for my company to get her, I decided to enlighten y'all with the conversation that is ongoing in my head: prayer.

I used to think that I was made wrong when I was younger. Granted, a large part of that wonderment took place in the hostile environment that was my old church, but even after I graduated from there, I was convinced that there was something wrong with me. I've never been able to connect well in prayer. When I bow my head, I don't feel a connection... I feel nothing. Like it's actually a chore.

I do write a lot and feel some sort of a connection there. But, I'm not writing because I want God to pay particular attention to what I write. I write because I'm seeking some sort of understanding. It's never been about my asking God to do things for me (unless you count when I got MIP'd... that was definitely me going "Please don't do this to me!") or to shed his protection on others. I've always just lived with the realization that God is all around me and will pretty much do whatever she/he deems right. It's not my role to ask him/her for things. My role is to pursue who God really is and to mimic those characteristics with my life.

I don't think there's anything wrong with prayer in the context of bowing your head. If people can feel that connection with God, that's great. But at the same time, I don't think it's right to keep track of when those prayers are or are not answered. It's almost to me like the person in prayer is seeking some sort of evidence that God does exist. That's not the point of prayer. That's not the point of believing! We're to live in faith that God exists. We don't have concrete evidence because that would make our faith easy. People who are writing down when their prayers are "answered" seem to me to be the same people who seek the rocks that say "God made this."

The bible talks about being constantly in prayer. I think this means to be constantly aware that whether our heads are bowed or not: God's here. He's living, breathing, moving in our lives regardless of whether we utter words out loud to him. Rather than sitting solemnly in prayer, could we not better reflect God by going out and helping others? By going to a nursing home and spending time with the elderly? By helping serve food at the local food pantry?

What should I pray for? That HIV/AIDS is eradicated and that all of those people don't die? Why would I do that? Am I that pious to believe that I understand HIV/AIDS to be a bad thing and am demanding God to do away with it? Should I instead understand that God has a plan for everything and there's a REASON why HIV/AIDS exists? Shouldn't I, instead of praying for it to go away, become the hands of God and spread what I know about the virus to others?

Do I pray for the family that is hurting because of a death in the family or do I go and sit with them and offer them a shoulder to cry on as they mourn? Do I fall to my knees or do I assist them with chores that they don't want to do right now?

Do I pray to understand why God is doing something to me or do I continue on in my life with the knowledge that God places challenges in everyone's lives? Why pray for the pain to go away when I have the understanding that God wants me to grow from it? Isn't that counterintuitive?

Wouldn't it be better time spent to instead focus our efforts on being God's hands, feet, face, etc.? Do I spend an hour in prayer each day or do I work to improve the world in any way that I can?

I would rather focus my efforts on seeing God as he moves in my life than on praying for something to be done according to what I will. Am I not elevating myself somehow in asking for him to do something when in reality I know hardly anything at all?

I do enjoy the Lord's prayer, however peculiar that may sound. I love saying it in a setting where a group of people is saying it with you. THAT prayer holds some sort of connection to me... for some unknown reason.

Our Father, who art in heaven, hallowed be thy name. Thy kingdom come, thy will be done, on earth as it is in heaven. Give us this day our daily bread and forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us. Lead us not into temptation and deliver us from evil. For thine is the kingdom and the power and the glory... forever and ever. Amen.

RANDOM UPDATE:

I came to this epiphany at work: I may be the only smart person in the world. I know. It's shocking when you think about it. But I really flirt with the line where I may begin to believe it when the Imperial Mall decides to have Sidewalk Sales at this time of the year. 1. Hastings College and Central Community College both just went into Fall Break. There are NO students here. 2. Hastings High's homecoming was this evening. 3. There was little advertising for the event.

So as I sat there in our DEAD store, I couldn't help but think to myself, "If you were worried about your mall being closed down due to competition, wouldn't you do whatever it took to ensure they'd get more business?" *head shake*

I did end up visiting my parents' house tonight and had like a 3-minute long conversation with Kelsey. We were supposed to hang out, but that didn't exactly work out. Turns out she wanted to watch some dorky show on TV and then threw a fit when I didn't tell her what I wanted to do. So, Dad and I watched Bill Maher (spelling? Man... I suck at that these days) and had some banter on why on earth Ben Affleck was there. Senator Affleck. Yick. Was I the ONLY one on this planet that watched Gigli? It still gives me nightmares.

I don't remember at which point in the argument my Dad presented this conclusion, but I do know he did. "Whitney, you know those people who are religious don't cuss. You're going to have a tough time being a religion person." I just shifted on the couch and stared at him long and hard for a moment, then said: "Dad, since when has anyone ever been able to give a definition for something so abstract? It's like my saying that Dolly here can't be a member of this family because she's a dog." Dolly, our family's golden retriever, must have sensed the tenseness in the conversation, because that was when she chose to swallow the button off my sweater. How she did it, I will never know.

After that, I ran upstairs to find my brother almost in tears at the kitchen table. He was scared Dad was going to yell at him because he broke his glasses--again. I spent a good twenty minutes trying to put those darn things back together again, but I'm pretty sure a magic wand is required for a task such as that one. Dad ended up yelling a bit, but like I told my bro, I can totally yell louder and know more words. Kids = 1, Parents = 0.

Justin and Ashton have a parade tomorrow that Kels and I are going to go watch (I lured her out of bed to come goodwill shopping with me at 10 a.m. with the promise of coffee... tee hee hee). Dad told me that I had to ride the bus as a chaperone, which I maturely responded by telling him where he could stick the idea. He then said that if he and Mom would die this evening, I would have to ride the bus as I would be the legal guardian of the three other kids. I somehow doubted we'd be going to the parade if they'd both die...

I need to get younger friends. Everyone is 21 and going to the bars. Grr. Yes, I'm on a bit of a rant because Sami and Lou are going out tomorrow night and I don't get to come. Not that being 21 would be great for me right now, because it wouldn't. I'm already trying to work up enough strength to say no next weekend at the Halloween party. I have to consciously think about it or I'll fail in the attempt. This is a sad, sad existence that I lead. I don't even like the taste of alcohol! It makes me sick!

In other news, I saw my adopted neice at maurices tonight. She helped me pick out her mother some clothes for a wedding. I absolutely love that little girl. She's SO cute. Plus, the fact that she calls me "Aunt Whitney" all the time totally breaks my heart. Too bad her uncle is such a freakin' moron. Okay, he's really not a moron, just not the sort of material I think that God wants my husband to be made out of. He demonstrated that continually by showing absolutely no relationship with God, demanding that things be taken farther than I wanted, AND lying to me continually. How do I get myself into those situations? It should have been a pretty big red flag when I felt like I couldn't discuss anything with him because he wouldn't be able to keep up. How are you was quite extensive in those conversations...

... I'm bitter today about that because I'm pretty sure he's the one that has been calling me lately with the "No Caller ID" tag. It's creepy, I tell you! I had two calls last week, one on Tuesday, and then yesterday two. I'm all about answering my phone, but the calls happen to come in when I'm in class or at work.

I saw Clayton the other day in the library and was reminded how much I miss our classmates and high school. We had a freaking blast back then. There's nothing like being a Senior at K-Town High. Where else would I have been able to play "Hide 'n Go Seek" in the dark room when we were supposed to be developing pictures for the yearbook? Or when John and I would play "Promdate Basketball" where who I would go to prom with depended on how well he could make a basket at the three-point line (I'm still bitter about Mr. Eberle, our principal, helping Johnny out on that one. TRAITOR!)? Or my hanging out in the art class with the boys when I wasn't even in Art? Chelsie and I hanging out with the guys on their football game nights because we were the coolest chicks they knew? (Well... at least I was nice. She kinda yelled sometimes!) Or all of us girls getting totally pimped out for the guys' games and leading the entire crowd in cheers? All of us vegging in Senior Hall with our counselor waiting for the lunch period to end? Figuring out ways to top one another in Mom comments? Getting to school at 7 a.m. for Band and leaving at 9 p.m. because of play? And not regretting a moment of it? Or actually acting on stage with Clayton and knowing that neither of us were serious enough to do anything but comedy? Cruising around in Laura's trunk because it was a new way to ride around in Kenesaw? And none of that even touches our parties. Wow.

I miss the people, not so much the age. The age I could do without. But those people... they'll be in my heart forever. I've seriously been counting down for our five-year reunion since like two seconds after graduation. I look at my high school experience and I look at college now and realize that there will never be another time in my life when I have 23 close friends who all plot to take over the school with me. Okay... so that's not entirely accurate. Ignite and PHIVE-O provide a pretty strong base for my life to be like that. But even so.

Speaking of PHIVE-O, I was brought to tears on Wednesday when I realized how many PHIVE-O members came to support me. They all are so amazing and I hadn't realized how much I missed them. I was so consumed with ROC and Ignite that I forgot about the people who got me where I'm at today. I LOVE PHIVE-O. LOVE THEM. They all are so incredible...

...moving on before I bawl. I'm attempting to work more through Laura's and my separation process, but it's rough. I still get to be the person who lays with her in bed and talks about life, but I don't feel like we're nearly as close as we used to be. In fact, I'm sure of it. And as I was thinking about that, a realization hit me: I used to be so obsessed with certain people being close to me... but now... there's not really anyone like that. I mean, Sami and I are still really good friends, but she's not nearly aware of everything that's going on in my life as she could be (she thought Matt and I were still dating last week. Ew.). Laura and I see each other for maybe like ten minutes in the morning or evening and that's pretty much it. She's always over at Julie's house... Kelsey and I are still finetuning what it means to be friends and sisters. Sometimes she drives me absolutely up the wall and other times she's the coolest person I know. I think that has to do with our relationship (sisterly), our age, and our different maturity levels. We'll get through it...eventually. John and I just don't really connect anymore at all. He called me awhile ago to come fix his computer, but I just really don't have the time to do that... I love the kid to death, but he drinks a huge amount a lot of the time and I can't be in an environment like that right now. Clayton's the same way on the drinking thing... that and his girlfriend freaking hates me. I'm sorry I was your boyfriend's best friend in high school. Trust me. There's no lusting going on there. The kid is one of the biggest oafs I know (LOL). Rachel and my relationship dissolved completely the summer after our senior year. She calls me now when she wants to talk with Laura. Hilary and I barely speak anymore, mostly because I absolutely disagree with her situation regarding the stupid boy.

And then there's these new people moving in on my life. Melissa and I have the familial bond and are becoming fast friends. I absolutely adore her. Marcia is definitely my adopted little sister and amuses me greatly with her self-focusing innocense. Lindsey is definitely one of the best things that happened to me in Atlanta. I'm just sad we couldn't have started building our friendship before now! I'm beginning to adore all of the Ignite people... CMs... PHIVE-O... And then there's Tim, which I have no idea what's going on there. Some days I can confidently say we're great friends and the next I have doubts that he even wants to be my friend.

Anyway... I feel like I have ALL of these people around me, which is true, but no one that I can truly be all in depth with. I can share blurps in my life with everyone, but not my entire life... if that makes sense. And then there's a good amount that there's no sharing of my life at all... there's more my lending my life experience for their use than anything else. What I've come to realize is through all of these people, certain parts of my needs become satisfied. Laura has been hardcore about keeping my in line with my vow to fast from alcohol for a year. Kelsey and I deal with our family issues together. Melissa jumps on the bandwagon for that one. Tim and I are trying to figure out a bunch of things, I think, like what we believe and what leaders are...and how much we suck at being them. The maurices girls are the people I just go and escape with for awhile. For a few hours a day, my life is all about clothes. Except maybe not so much anymore that we've been slow and I've taken on a few counseling sessions... it turns out that I sense more about people than I realize. I have to start speaking out loud before my conclusions form fully, I think. Trace is helping to shape me into a great pastor by continually challenging me with hard questions... and Dan is giving me knowledge to answer those questions. Marcia continually amazes me with her bravery and non-hesitation to jump headfirst into things. Lindsey stuns me with her deep wisdom on life.

Ann Lamott spoke of cutting the connections down. Of focusing on self by only focusing on a certain few number of people. But who do I choose? And are they willing to provide that for me? I'm definitely the stone skipping across the water right now... and I'm getting tired of bouncing!

That's my cue to go to sleep. I have to clean in the morning prior to my coffee run.

I hang out in the library too much. I'm like the little library loser. Wow. Good thing I have my iPod. Man do I love music.

In other news, I don't know what I did to my back, but it's PISSED. It started hurting hardcore yesterday and has gotten worse today. It's quite fun watching me hobble around. I can't tell if it's the herniated discs acting up or not... But it's not so much sciatica pain as localized in my lower back and right hip area. Man oh man. If I herniated another one, I swear I'm lawsuiting (why does suing look so weird?) the Haven Home.

Aside from my spinal cord's spectacular ability to make my life painful, I've been thinking lately about changing my Professional Accounting major. Mainly because I'm pretty sure I hate accounting. I can't sit through one class without thinking "I hate you, Accounting." Then those thoughts breed to others and eventually lead me to discuss lighting myself on fire with the professor... oh wait... that was because it's so freaking cold in that room. That's right.

I already have a business administration major completed. Who's to say that can't be enough? I'd certainly be satisfied by it...

I think part of my problem letting go of my Accounting major is that it finally is me fully accepting I'll go into ministry. If I have the accounting degree, I can always still go into the Air Force and shoot at things for a good part of my life. It would mean saying goodbye to a lot of things... do I want to do that? Interesting question...

Another thing that has been on my mind lately: Inspiration and Growth. I'm looking critically at all of the activities I'm involved in and am wondering if I'm doing it for ME or for OTHERS. I live a life that is dangerously verging on obsession with other people and I really need to look critically at what I'm doing. I feel like I still have a lot of growth that needs to happen before I can go to seminary and feel ready. There's SO much I want to learn and so little time to do it in. The problem is that I'm involved in a lot of stuff with strong evangelical content. I love God, I want to share God, but I HAVE to feed myself. I love the history of the bible, I love the bible itself, and I feel like I'm immersing myself in a lot of remedial studies rather than challenging myself to grow. This is going to have to be an ongoing conversation for awhile... because I don't want to rush into anything. I do know that sitting quietly in a setting that is supposed to "feed" me isn't going to help me at all. I'm not being fed... I'm feeding. And while feeding isn't necessarily such a bad thing, the feeder can't starve themselves...

But if I'm not involved in the things I'm involved in now, what would I do? Could I seriously leave these groups?

I don't know. What I DO know is that I don't want to work today. Bonus that this weekend is fall break, which just means I have more time to work and do homework. I worked 27 1/2 hours this week at maurices and am schedule for 29 next week. Hallelujah that I'm a "normal" college student. ;)

FALL BREAK PLANS:
Friday: Working 2-9:30 at maurices. Then I'm going to go spend the night at my parents' house and vege with my siblings. May be a good opportunity to watch some movies with them!
Saturday: I TOTALLY have it off! But, I really need to clean my car and room... and the house that I happen to live in. I also need to study Accounting, write a paper, work on a presentation, work on World AIDS Day stuff, etc. That night I'm having a slumber party with Marcia and Melissa. YAY!
Sunday: I work 12-6:30, then my sister wants me to go to Mr. Young's bible study with her. Another night of challenging the man with every statement he makes. I happen to think it's a hilariously good time.
Monday: I work 2-6 at maurices and will most like be in the library at 9 a.m. to do homework. Yay. I also need to spend some time in the county court... ugh.
Tuesday: Working 12-9:30 at maurices.

I'm thinking about retiring and moving to the Cayman Islands. Surely they don't have schedules there, right?

:D

Time for a new iTunes song! Isn't your library looking a little sad?

Heavily Broken (Live Version) by the Veronicas:

Everyday I sit here waiting
Everyday just seems so long
And now I've had enough of all the hating
Do we even care, it's so unfair
Any day it'll all be over
Everyday there's nothing new
And now I just try to find some hope
To try and hold onto
But it starts again
It'll never end

I'm heavily broken
And I don't know what to do
Can't you see that I'm choking
And I can't even move
When there's nothing left to say
What can you do
I'm heavily broken
And there's nothing I can do

Almost giving up on trying
Almost heading for a fall
And now my mind is screaming out
I've gotta keep on fighting
But then again
It doesn't end

I'm heavily broken
And I don't know what to do
Can't you see that I'm choking
And I can't even move
When there's nothing left to say
What can you do?
I'm heavily broken
And there's nothing I can do
And there's nothing I can do

Feels like I'm drowning
I'm screaming for air(Screaming for air)
Louder I'm crying
And you don't even care

I'm heavily broken
And I don't know what to do
Can't you see that I'm choking
And I can't even move(What can I do)
When there's nothing left to say
What can you do
I'm heavily broken

I'm heavily broken
And I don't know what to do
Can't you see that I'm choking
And I can't even move
When there's nothing left to say
What can you do
I'm heavily broken [x3]

I love this song! I'm sitting here in the library and thinking, "Amen. That's what I'm talking about!" Isn't it true that there really aren't words that come to you when you feel broken? Like you can't escape it and you're consumed by it... yet you know there's nothing you can do. Everything happens for a reason, right? So, you charge forth, charge on.

Today I had an epiphany in Contemporary Christian Theology. Dan was talking about his Trinity theory and how we have to mimic the Trinitarian relationship in order to be made whole as humans. In order to become true humans, we have to do this. Before, I had always half-envisioned what this meant for me. I had the relationship with God, had it with "creation", but totally lacked on the self aspect. My triangle wasn't a triangle at all. It was lacking. And it still is, but at least I'm being reminded of it constantly. I hope and pray through that constant reminding that I can grow from it. It's not going to be easy to become more introverted, because I'm scared to death of it. There's a lot of things I'm dealing with all at once and facing it all is huge for me. What if I'm not strong enough? What if I discover that at the end of the day... something's wrong with me?

Onto other news... I finally got my blasted sermon written. It was quite funny because I think I was so focused on trying to write the sermon for other people... trying to attack it from all different angles, that I forgot to acknowledge the gifts I had been given. God doesn't want me to exclude mySELF from the equation. Sure, give the other people food, but don't eliminate yourself from getting the food either. Don't elevate yourself into a position where you think that just because you'll be providing the food that you don't need to eat, either. And don't think that their food can't be your food. Sometimes the food tastes the best by the preparer!

My speech is on "God is Love." And I'm amazed by it. I started it off thinking that I had to write something profound on love, but I fully realized there are no new angles to take on it. There's nothing that I can say that hasn't been said a thousand times before. So, when I initially sat down to write it... it was empty and devoid of me. Then, when I did the google search on the topic, God spoke to me. And he spoke in three little letters "HIV." And just like that, it came rushing down to me. I had been struggling with the passage because I felt like I was the unspoken side of the story in 1 John 4:7-21. The entire reason John was writing the passage was because he wanted his community to know that they needed to love everyone in Jesus Christ, not based upon a confession of faith. At this time in their history, his community was struggling with the fact that a faction had just broken off from them and had taken a lot of people with them. They were dealing with feelings of hurt and anger. But, John says to love despite this. Love and love blindly. Don't hate or you shall be hating God.

I was focusing on the failure of people doing this. I was concentrating on my old environment so much that I couldn't see past it to get to the bigger picture. And then I remembered a story I had been told as a sophomore in high school and just knew... it was perfect. It was beautiful and simple and just felt... right.

Because the truth of the matter is that love isn't going to be easy, it isn't always going to be gentle or kind, and isn't going to always be beautiful as it is presented. I Corinthians 13 is beautiful, but it doesn't fully portray what love is. Paul had his optimistic idealist cap on that day. He wanted us to believe in the extreme power of community (which tells me that something INTENSE was going on in the Corinthian community at the time...). The truth is... love can hurt sometimes. And it can be filled with pain. But isn't that the point? To choose to love people despite that? Doesn't it mean more somehow that way? And to see past that fear and to select love... it's beautiful. There's a reason that situations like that bring tears to people's eyes. Not because it feels good, but because they are encountering God in that moment. And that's why I'm a Christian!

Peace Out.