Here I am, Lord. Is it I, Lord?
Biggest croc of bologna I've EVER heard. Isaiah wasn't all up and in the happiness about God calling him. It probably took him three days just to say "Here."
I don't know why I'm so angry about that. Why?! I think that I've probably been bottling some things in that I didn't know were being bottled... or that even existed.
And now I'm at the breaking point. It's like a bittersweet end.
Here I am. But who am I? Who am I to deliver myself as an instrument when really I have no idea in what capacity I could even perform?
I feel overwhelmed and exhausted. In my ultimate pursuit of God, I've lost sight of God. I've been seduced by power and by the needs of other people. I've forgotten about my own needs. I don't have a relationship with God. It's false and put on as a show for other people to feel inspired by.
How did I get this messed up? Was it a desire to show everyone that I could do it when really I know that I can't? Or have my real fears been recognized? Do I really believe in God?
I can read all the bibles in the world, listen to people speak about their really amazing faith, and even be inspired. I can catch on fire and burn despite the wind. But moments of their speaking or my reading aren't what lead me to God. Or at least how I see him. Moments when I've been most certain there's a God are moments when I'm most alone. So what does this mean for me? If I'm going to become a minister, I probably should believe in God. A lot.
Why am I doubting? What's the deeper root of this?
I took on all of these things just at a time when I had convinced myself that the journey was completely over for me. That I had completed this ship wreck moment, but I see now that I'm just fooling myself. That OTHER people know I'm just kidding myself. But they couldn't tell me because it was going to hinder my growth. I spend so much time doing things, doing stuff for other people, that I've forgotten to be human myself. And what do I do with that? Where do I go when I need to be consumed by something and I have no idea what it is?
Why am I crying when I'm supposed to be overly happy? Why am I upset if I know everything I need to know?
Why?
Here I am, Lord. Sitting on the edge, waiting for a sign. And the most desperate thought that comes to mind is that there may not be any sign at all.
Biggest croc of bologna I've EVER heard. Isaiah wasn't all up and in the happiness about God calling him. It probably took him three days just to say "Here."
I don't know why I'm so angry about that. Why?! I think that I've probably been bottling some things in that I didn't know were being bottled... or that even existed.
And now I'm at the breaking point. It's like a bittersweet end.
Here I am. But who am I? Who am I to deliver myself as an instrument when really I have no idea in what capacity I could even perform?
I feel overwhelmed and exhausted. In my ultimate pursuit of God, I've lost sight of God. I've been seduced by power and by the needs of other people. I've forgotten about my own needs. I don't have a relationship with God. It's false and put on as a show for other people to feel inspired by.
How did I get this messed up? Was it a desire to show everyone that I could do it when really I know that I can't? Or have my real fears been recognized? Do I really believe in God?
I can read all the bibles in the world, listen to people speak about their really amazing faith, and even be inspired. I can catch on fire and burn despite the wind. But moments of their speaking or my reading aren't what lead me to God. Or at least how I see him. Moments when I've been most certain there's a God are moments when I'm most alone. So what does this mean for me? If I'm going to become a minister, I probably should believe in God. A lot.
Why am I doubting? What's the deeper root of this?
I took on all of these things just at a time when I had convinced myself that the journey was completely over for me. That I had completed this ship wreck moment, but I see now that I'm just fooling myself. That OTHER people know I'm just kidding myself. But they couldn't tell me because it was going to hinder my growth. I spend so much time doing things, doing stuff for other people, that I've forgotten to be human myself. And what do I do with that? Where do I go when I need to be consumed by something and I have no idea what it is?
Why am I crying when I'm supposed to be overly happy? Why am I upset if I know everything I need to know?
Why?
Here I am, Lord. Sitting on the edge, waiting for a sign. And the most desperate thought that comes to mind is that there may not be any sign at all.
posted by Whit at 9:34 AM
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