What is Truth?!!!!
How do we define it? Is it definable? And if it exists, is it of God? Did God place truth here on Earth for us to explore? And if God did place truth on this Earth is it beyond us? Do we endeavor to be surrounded in truth or do we fail to fully comprehend its meaning? Does our humanity disallow our attempts to see truth for what it is or is it part of our ongoing journey to attempt to discover it? And how do we know if we've found it? Will there be a particular ringing in our ear? Will we feel good about it? Will our soul suddenly be freed? If we do discover it is that the end of our journey or the start of a new one?
What the heck is TRUTH?!
Bear with me as I explore this because frankly, I have no idea! Here's why I had the sudden inner ramblings of a sociopath above (or he who is addicted to philosophy... hmmm): I'm working toward MY truth right now. And not necessarily the BIG uber definitive truth that's going to define my life. This is one of the smaller truths, but a significant truth nonetheless. And as I'm journeying down this path of exploration, I find that I'm meeting all of these other truth seekers along the way. I implore for their help and graciousness in working to find that single piece that will propel me toward my truth, but I find they are just as desperate as I. Does that mean this is a single journey one must take alone? Or do we gather together, us with our directionless paths, and proclaim that we shall be one?!
See my problem has been on this exploration: I'm TOO extroverted. I used to think I was introverted. Used to think I had deep thoughts that would be able to occupy me in my solitary times and I was definitely right. The problem? I keep these thoughts to myself! Here I have this sudden inclings and am BURSTING to express them, but I don't. I don't like to burden people with that stuff. Often times when I do its because I feel like I'm going to explode inside. Anytime I've spoken with my parents about stuff its because I could do nothing more than cry. It just builds and builds and builds without relief. I'm learning more and more that that's my failing. It's amazing that I can make SO many people feel good or listened to but I can't get that same feeling in return.
Great tangent, but not the direction I was going. So, I'm sitting here wondering where my life is headed. I had this amazing conversation with this youth leader tonight who posed this interesting thought about my vocation: If you could imagine yourself doing ANYTHING but ministry, then its not for you. Don't do it. That got me thinking. I can imagine myself doing other things! I really can! I think I would make a great Doctor or a Nurse! I think I could DEFINITELY catch bad guys! I would make an excellent spy! The hard part now is sorting out what I think I would be good at with what my heart wants me to do. The exciting part of ministry is that yes, I think I could do it. I think I could develop that connection with people. But even more, I think my soul would be complete in doing it! I think that being that role in people's lives would be inspiring! It would be beyond words! However, what does that mean in regard to my other goals? Could I not also feel that way when I would go into the F.B.I.?
I find it interesting now that I'm exploring this new vocation how different it makes me feel. Before I was cool with the Air Force. It was EXCITING to think of traveling the world and protecting people. Awesome even. But I never had that little fire that told me THAT was what I was meant to do. I never had the swelling in my heart thinking about it. Yes, these are trivial indications, but that's what I'm sorting through now! I think about ministry and my mind just explodes! I think about where I could go with my relationship with God or those who I could help and bam! I can just barely contain it. But does that mean I'm called to this lifelong service or does it just mean I'm called to be a stronger Christian? And how do I sort the difference between being in a ministarily role and being a strong Christian?
In the end, I just keep coming back to questions. I think what's holding me back is fear. Fear that I'm going to wake up and no one I have cared about forever is going to love me anymore. Fear that I'm going to make this choice and that its going to be the definition of who I am forevermore. Fear that I'll be rejected and dismissed as an oddity. I'm afraid to give up the life I've accustomed myself to over these years! I'm afraid to not be able to walk into my church and see these faces of people whom I genuinely love! I'm so caught up in being scared that it's making it impossible for me to address the bigger issues. If there are bigger issues, because this does feel REALLY big.
I guess I feel overwhelmed and small. A lot of people say (including me in this blog, I believe) to Let Go and Let God. I totally believe in handing God over my troubles and praying about them to him. But God isn't always going to provide us the answers directly. Sometimes we have to sift through the wreckage to find the treasure beneath. And I think this is one of those times that God has me staring at the Titanic and encouraging me to find one solitary diamond.
All of the people I've talked to have been wonderful so far. If anything else, God definitely has blessed me in that regard. Maybe I'm just looking for the person that's going to hold my hand through it all and tell me when I'm at my absolute worse that it's going to get better. By George! I need another person with a caretaker complex!
How do we define it? Is it definable? And if it exists, is it of God? Did God place truth here on Earth for us to explore? And if God did place truth on this Earth is it beyond us? Do we endeavor to be surrounded in truth or do we fail to fully comprehend its meaning? Does our humanity disallow our attempts to see truth for what it is or is it part of our ongoing journey to attempt to discover it? And how do we know if we've found it? Will there be a particular ringing in our ear? Will we feel good about it? Will our soul suddenly be freed? If we do discover it is that the end of our journey or the start of a new one?
What the heck is TRUTH?!
Bear with me as I explore this because frankly, I have no idea! Here's why I had the sudden inner ramblings of a sociopath above (or he who is addicted to philosophy... hmmm): I'm working toward MY truth right now. And not necessarily the BIG uber definitive truth that's going to define my life. This is one of the smaller truths, but a significant truth nonetheless. And as I'm journeying down this path of exploration, I find that I'm meeting all of these other truth seekers along the way. I implore for their help and graciousness in working to find that single piece that will propel me toward my truth, but I find they are just as desperate as I. Does that mean this is a single journey one must take alone? Or do we gather together, us with our directionless paths, and proclaim that we shall be one?!
See my problem has been on this exploration: I'm TOO extroverted. I used to think I was introverted. Used to think I had deep thoughts that would be able to occupy me in my solitary times and I was definitely right. The problem? I keep these thoughts to myself! Here I have this sudden inclings and am BURSTING to express them, but I don't. I don't like to burden people with that stuff. Often times when I do its because I feel like I'm going to explode inside. Anytime I've spoken with my parents about stuff its because I could do nothing more than cry. It just builds and builds and builds without relief. I'm learning more and more that that's my failing. It's amazing that I can make SO many people feel good or listened to but I can't get that same feeling in return.
Great tangent, but not the direction I was going. So, I'm sitting here wondering where my life is headed. I had this amazing conversation with this youth leader tonight who posed this interesting thought about my vocation: If you could imagine yourself doing ANYTHING but ministry, then its not for you. Don't do it. That got me thinking. I can imagine myself doing other things! I really can! I think I would make a great Doctor or a Nurse! I think I could DEFINITELY catch bad guys! I would make an excellent spy! The hard part now is sorting out what I think I would be good at with what my heart wants me to do. The exciting part of ministry is that yes, I think I could do it. I think I could develop that connection with people. But even more, I think my soul would be complete in doing it! I think that being that role in people's lives would be inspiring! It would be beyond words! However, what does that mean in regard to my other goals? Could I not also feel that way when I would go into the F.B.I.?
I find it interesting now that I'm exploring this new vocation how different it makes me feel. Before I was cool with the Air Force. It was EXCITING to think of traveling the world and protecting people. Awesome even. But I never had that little fire that told me THAT was what I was meant to do. I never had the swelling in my heart thinking about it. Yes, these are trivial indications, but that's what I'm sorting through now! I think about ministry and my mind just explodes! I think about where I could go with my relationship with God or those who I could help and bam! I can just barely contain it. But does that mean I'm called to this lifelong service or does it just mean I'm called to be a stronger Christian? And how do I sort the difference between being in a ministarily role and being a strong Christian?
In the end, I just keep coming back to questions. I think what's holding me back is fear. Fear that I'm going to wake up and no one I have cared about forever is going to love me anymore. Fear that I'm going to make this choice and that its going to be the definition of who I am forevermore. Fear that I'll be rejected and dismissed as an oddity. I'm afraid to give up the life I've accustomed myself to over these years! I'm afraid to not be able to walk into my church and see these faces of people whom I genuinely love! I'm so caught up in being scared that it's making it impossible for me to address the bigger issues. If there are bigger issues, because this does feel REALLY big.
I guess I feel overwhelmed and small. A lot of people say (including me in this blog, I believe) to Let Go and Let God. I totally believe in handing God over my troubles and praying about them to him. But God isn't always going to provide us the answers directly. Sometimes we have to sift through the wreckage to find the treasure beneath. And I think this is one of those times that God has me staring at the Titanic and encouraging me to find one solitary diamond.
All of the people I've talked to have been wonderful so far. If anything else, God definitely has blessed me in that regard. Maybe I'm just looking for the person that's going to hold my hand through it all and tell me when I'm at my absolute worse that it's going to get better. By George! I need another person with a caretaker complex!
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