I could be engaging and wonderful in this post but I've got no energy to, I'm afraid.

It turns out when one is a college student, one is expected to survive with little sleep. I am a victim of school!

Woke up this morning after a particularly late night and went to Quantitative Techniques. I tell ya. . . it's not a good idea to sleep while taking a quiz. Not that I actually was able to close my eyes for longer than six seconds, but I definitely flirted with the idea. I didn't think a 1/2 hour could last so long! Inevitably, I drove back to my home and dove into bed. Slept clear until 12 p.m. when I had to lug myself out of bed and get ready for work at Maurices.

Now selling clothes? That's a rather fun thing. Of course the required buying immediately after is what gets me in trouble. Whitney should not be allowed to shop. Ever. The good news is that we went WAY over our goal for the day, which I was completely excited about. I also talked a little more in depth about my becoming a manager. They're giving me authority! Hee hee hee!

I will say one thing: time drags on when one is tired. It didn't help that as I was guzzling caffeine my car was being ferociously attacked by an amazing gust of wind. The dark sky was a bit unnerving. Of course, I'm always on the lookout for twisting clouds. It's engrained in me! My father once told me that he watched 'The Night of the Twisters' happen in real-life from his front porch at what is now our home. That completely makes sense to me when you consider he's the man that ran outside of our house in North Platte to snap photos of the tornado that was coming straight for him. Mom says he barely made it down the stairs before things when chaotic. Yes, we survived a tornado. I've got some pretty intense blips of memories from that time. I can remember being under the mattress and being scared. I was sitting on my Dad's lap with my Mom and sister right next to me. My Mom's glasses flew off and we searched for them, but couldn't find them. Not much more than that of when the actual house was taken away. I can remember prior to our putting the mattress over us that I was jumping on the bed. Afterwards, I can remember walking around the foundation of the house and staring down into the basement. But not much else. Give me a break! I was only 2 3/4!

All bad weather aside, it was a fairly good night. I spent over an hour running in and out of the fitting rooms trying different outfits on. Then I bought the fifth one I decided I would wear to my friend's wedding :D Definitely changes by the week, I'm afraid.

Here's what's going on with me intellectually: I'm lost! I didn't realize thinking could be this hard! And I'll admit, I fully realized I was having big problems when I considered not going to New Testament because I didn't want to think about God. Classes shouldn't make grown girls cry! Part of the problem is that I don't reach out to people. It's a weakness that is easiest to point out. Yes, I have some incredible, incredible friendships. I'm an extroverted person and my mother likes to say that I've never met a stranger. But I always feel like I'm a stranger to them! What I'm good at is building people up; encouraging and making them feel better about themselves. Sometimes I feel like I'm a counselor and all I do is solve people's problems. Not that I don't put myself into that situation, because I do. It all is tied into my twisted caretaker mentality. Everyone has to feel good for me to feel good.

Here's my theory: I'm extroverted in that I can make friends easily and cause them to walk away feeling like we've formed an incredible bond. And I'm not going to necessarily disagree with that. I've never had a problem talking to people in depth about their lives. It's just not reciprocated. I can't remember the last time I sat down and truly discussed with people what I thought or felt about situations. Now, true, my friend Lou is one of the few people I open up to, but even she doesn't know everything that I'm going through. Sometimes I feel like it's a burden to place my problems on people. It definitely makes me feel incredibly bad. So, I mask up all this torment with a huge smile and a positive attitude. I figure if the rest of the world is smiling, it's okay if I'm not doing so hot. That's where you get my introverted part. I'm extroverted in everything but what's going on in my head. And sometimes, keeping all your thoughts to yourself is just plain exhausting.

I think that's what first drew me to religion. Suddenly, there was SO much to learn and it came naturally to me! Here was this abstract subject that I could mold in my mind to make sense. But now, in the re-evaluation of my theological beliefs, this study of religion is my downfall. Okay, God's not my downfall. I love him immensely and would suffer every day if I had to for him. My downfall is the aforementioned weakness in not reaching out to people, but I'm so scared to do so! What if I say something to someone and it completely makes them stumble in their faith? What if I talk with the wrong person and am shown that I really know nothing at all? What if the people that I've learned to love and respect find out that I'm considering doing something that is completely against our traditions? If I choose to follow one path, will people follow along with me? Or will they scream from the beginning and shout about heresy? And if that happens, am I strong enough to continue on? If I push myself into the light and force myself to analyze what's truly important, do I have to do it alone? Will there be anyone else that understands it?

Part of the problem of living in this world is learning to let go of it. On one hand, I have this incredible potentially amazingly strong relationship with God. On the other, I have this attachment to the people I love. Yes, I'm supposed to love them, but they are what's holding me back in this. Am I really willing to give up their bonds to pursue something that may not be my calling at all? I know the bible says the only unforgivable sin is sins made against the Holy Spirit, but how do I know it's the Holy Spirit telling me what to do? According to my church's tradition, it could very easily be Satan trying to lure me along a path that I wasn't intended for at all. I guess I'd like to know definitively either way. So, God, if you're reading this, e-mail me straight away!

I can't recall a time that I've ever been plagued by so many thoughts and inner battles. Then again, we tend to forget prior hardships just as soon as a new one steps in. We remember the happy times and become bitter with what God's doing in our lives now. I don't think I'm bitter about it. I understand that this is a test that I have to go through. I understand that I can't always be uber-happy and be a Christian. Being a faithful follower is about the up times as well as the down. You can't have one without the other or everyone would become a Christian.

So, what do I do? Do I avoid my religion classes and cry at the thought of attending them? Do I further explore what may be a calling into ministry? Do I go to my pastor and confess that I've been having thoughts that are counterproductive to the church? Do I let go of the things that are holding me back from further developing or do I cling on to them? And how do I get over the fact that some of the people I love may not be there for me if I explore a calling I'm not even sure I'm called to do?!

NOW do you see why I've got such a headache? And to think, life used to be all sugar plums and lollipops. Oh, I shall miss those days.